It's probably time for me to go back on meds. It's been a while, but this year has been such an abysmal mess. I've been in a horrible depressive phase that's caused me to gain weight and more or less blow up my life.

I've been trying to get an engineering degree. Last semester, my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up. He was in the military, and I had moved cross-country with him three years prior.I decided to move back home, and so I dropped all of my classes to make that move. I rationalized that it was just one semester, life happens, I'll pick back up and try again.

I tried to take 17 credit hours this semester while working about 30 hours a week. It was a DISASTER. I was constantly missing assignments or calling out of work or just curling in on myself and avoiding everything completely. Now I've failed three of the five classes I was taking. Like, fully failed. F's in each. The other two, I got C's, so barely scraped a pass.

The university will let me replace the fail grades with a retake *once.* But after dropping last semester and then doing terribly this semester, I just feel like an idiot and a failure. I know now that I can't handle more than two classes a semester. So I feel good knowing what I can handle. But every time I start to think about the nearly $10,000 I dropped this year, just to fail everything, my skin starts to crawl and everything in my brain starts screaming about how I'll never manage to be anything. I'll always be in this same spot, doing "okay" in school (or downright failing) and never actually getting anywhere.

I'm 26 years old. I feel like time is running out and I'm never going to be anything. I just feel like complete and utter crap. I also lost all eligibility for financial aid after this semester, so I'm having to take six months off of school to save up money.

I could really use some encouragement.