For me, when I feel suicidal it can become compulsive and the urges feel like things I *must* do and therefore it doesn’t feel like a choice, so it’s extremely distressing. When I feel like this I need support. Suicidalty isn’t a linear process - it isn’t as clear cut as being hell bent on completing suicide and not actually wanting to do it deep down. It is so much more complex than that, and often a process. Basically what I’m trying to say is - please reach out. Your feelings are valid. You expressing them does not detract from your intent. I hope you can reach out. I really do.