I'm sorry for what you're going through, Gasplessy. Please stop beating yourself up over it, and please don't feel the need to apologize for posting how you're feeling. That's why PC exists! We've all felt the same way you have and there is no judgement here. It can take a little time to find the right counselor. And there are tons of resources and information here, plus no shortage of community members standing beside you.

You have a beautiful soul and obviously care very deeply about other people's pain. Volunteer work might be a good option for you. You'll feel better taking action to address these problems damaging the world right now, and meet other people who share your values. This has been helpful for me.

Please don't give up on yourself. And if you need to scream, go ahead and scream! Crypts_Of_The_Mind gave profound insight here and I hope you'll take that to heart. It can really be hard to find the motivation just to stand up when you feel this bad--I've been there!-- but taking one small step leads to more and bigger steps. You can leave that black hole behind with the support you'll find here and from your therapist. Wishing you the best!