Open Eyes Thank you for such a thoughtful, well-written response.

Yes, I agree with you that my roommate doesn't want any responsibility (she neglects her own child's basic needs when he was here, for example) for herself, or other people. The pattern you describe is a cycle of addiction.

In my roommate's case, she is addicted to the highs of life (maybe why she could be bipolar, I don't know what her diagnosis is officially) and breaks down and hides out when something interrupts that thriving cycle.

I agree with your observation that she's choosing to grieve and hide because her "dream of" her career and family and the lifestyle that went with that, didn't last.

My mother actually fits that same thrive/break down cycle. After my father died from cancer, my mother chose to break down and stop living her life. She went to her job until her university dept. forcefully retired her (a younger employee there wanted my mother's job, so the director gave it to him, and forced my mother to retire but that's for another thread another time).

I lived with my mother for a while after my father died and she followed the same pattern as my roommate; the entire house was pitch black dark ALL the time, and the only lights on were whatever room I was in.

So, when my roommate started exhibiting this same pattern back at the end of July this year, wow, did that trigger me, in addition to having just finished taking care of my mother after her stroke and development of dementia and then losing the roof over my head, unemployed, b/c I again lived with her and took care of my mother until transitioning her to her nursing home.

I think I need a break from caregiving ANYONE because I need to caregive for myself.

Yes, we are quite the dichotomy living under the same roof. If you apply The Johari Window to my situation, well, it is very interesting to theorize the results since the Johari Window is a communication model about how we see ourselves and others; and how others see us and themselves. Two psychologists created this communication model and business leaders use it a lot. Even school teachers and social workers use it.

My roommate has both the financial means and thriving, extended social and familial network to help her (aka enable, in my opinion) through these repetitive thrive-and-dive (my new term) cycles that she's repeated for the past 5-6 years for the reasons you mention in your posts here (and who knows what other reasons too). Just tonight, a cute (and I mean, CUE-EET) UPS driver (think Blonde, blue eyed, 30s, 6 ft tall -- that's cute to me) dropped off a package addressed to my roommate. It was a 15-pound weighted blanket, gifted to her by of her friends as a way to reach out to help her.

Whereas, I lack both the financial means and thriving, extended social and familial network to help me (not enable, in my opinion) through my own struggle of not achieving my 'dream of' which has been ongoing for me since my 20s. So, about 26 years I've been chasing success with failure behind me. My own family won't help me.

So, you know, that says a lot about how I must present myself to them, or they would choose not to turn away and avoid me when I am struggling. Like, how you describe the way everyone avoids your older sister who you acknowledge is toxic to you and everyone around her. I think I'm toxic -- I must be.

Otherwise, people wouldn't avoid me like the plague. I've been in/out of therapy for years and have never discussed reasons why people think I'm toxic and want to avoid me. So maybe that's an opportunity for growth I need to pursue.

I take responsibility of course, for not having the financial means or the thriving, extended social and familial network to help me through my struggle to find my place (work, social life, etc.).

My roommate and I represent two life contexts through which people either thrive or fail to thrive coping with life's adversities, while actively pursuing opportunities for growth and development.