Wow, Open Eyes, you figured out what therapists over a 20 year period have never been able to. And I thank you for that:
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I think one of your biggest problems has been experiencing an "understanding and safe" presence that helped you to really feel safe to "grow and develop where you could create that dream of".
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I know deep down that's the exact reason I have not pursued my artistic abilities beyond thinking about them. And I'm 48. I "dream of" pursuing
all3 of my artistic interests but I don't because...I can't find a supportive network of like-minded people who would nurture my artistic abilities and let me be part of their artistic community. And I've tried and failed a few times. I even thought of switching graduate programs this time, to an artistic program.
The earliest memory of invalidation I have from my parents is when I asked them for a drum set for Christmas. They gave one to my sister instead, who had zero interest in percussion. When I shared my disappointment and confusion with my parents, my mother quickly invalidated me. They wouldn't let me even take drum lessons at school. Yet, my sister who is younger than me was given every opportunity to pursue her creative and academic interests. She got to attend the middle school she wanted to, the high school and college she chose whereas my parents told me "you're going to this school" and wouldn't support me when I told them I was unhappy at my schools.
So, you're correct Open Eyes. I have a lot of residual disappointment and disbelief over such things that I didn't know how to get support for, from other adults, growing up. I know that's why I am the way I am today. I'm sorry if my responses to PC threads here triggered you the way your older sister does. I did put you on ignore a few times, b/c your responses triggered me (they felt invalidating).
That is cool that you wrote poetry and painted and wrong song lyrics. I think many artistic people like ourselves never realize our "dream of" because we don't grow up in a family system that supports that artistic endeavor, and so we shut our desires down and focus on keeping the peace so that we can prioritize our emotional and physical safety, or the realization of our true purpose. I think a lot of people find themselves in our situation.
Thanks for sharing your story in my thread.
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Your room mate is hurt and hiding out, she doesn't feed that cat, she is disconnected from her own son and her husband. Her family is at a loss too and your room mate IS A BROKEN PERSON. She may have been nice, may have "played well" with others too. Yet, she missed something and that missing something reared it's ugly head and SHE BROKE.
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Whatever she is missing, that caused her to break-down, that she doesn't want to address...I can't make that my responsibility to repair. I have to repair myself too. And two women who are, for lack of a better term, grieving their failures under the same roof (in different ways), is not a healthy environment. We can't support each other. It's not a healthy environment for me because I watched my mother simply give up after my father died. And, I'm not built that way. Even before my father died, I responded to emotional, cultural, and environmental blocks by not ignoring them, not pretending they don't exist. And that was not how my family system operated; they wanted to sweep everything under the rug, and I can't live like that. That's why I don't fit in with my siblings or mother. I can't pretend something is ok when it's not. I just need to keep searching for friendships with people who think like I do, who act like I do. I know they're out there. I just need to find them.