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cygne · Dec 08, 2019 at 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Serpentine Leaf

I can 100% relate to everything said on here. I haven't been diagnosed but I really think I do, and my Mom was diagnosed.
My intrusives come in two main varieties. The first is germs. This one I don't think is unreasonable, because I've endured custodial work for along time in a school district and a university. Kindergarten to grad school, those kids are NASTY!!! I deal with it by hand washing, sanitizers, gloves and masks, holding my breath when someone coughs or sneezes, and making sure to keep my skin moisturized to prevent cracks that could open it up to infections. I do feel panic when any of these actions have to be delayed, but for the most part I can live with this and don't think it's anything far out of the ordinary, or anything irrational.
The second type is what I haven't been able to deal with very well. Whenever I fail in anything (actual or perceived) or experience social rejection (actual or perceived), it starts a downward spiral of self-attack. I feel every old pain I've ever experienced as if it were happening again (I have a very vivid memory for sensations and emotions). My mind seems to act on its own repeating the thoughts that I'm worthless, selfish, stupid, weak, undeserving of friendship or love. I end up thinking that I don't have friends because other people are acting out of justified self-preservation in staying away from me. My self-esteem is fragile anyway, and can't withstand these assault. I try distractions, I try holding up a mental stop sign for these thoughts and then try to redirect the traffic, but this doesn't always work. Getting physical when I have these feelings usually works after a few days. Things that are physically empowering are usually emotionally empowering too. Nobody has to go all-out on cross fit or kickboxing; a brisk walk can be enough. Then I can come back to it with a fresh perspective and start challenging the thoughts with logic. That doesn't always work either, but sometimes it does.

As I was sipping on hot chocolate I thought of a lot of things — a lot of things come to mind usually, they pester me, they thrill me; I can't make them go away. I've tried really hard to finish M. Kondo's The Magic of Tidying Up without stopping to write things down or ponder the many buzzing reminders and red flags swinging through my head.

I'm here now, typing this reply, content to see that there's someone in the same situation, who took the time to write something in this thread. I mean, I'm at the end of my rope — I've tried everything there's in the book and my therapist even bailed out on me. But alas, I'll leave that for another time.

I hold custodians and janitors in high regard since they have to deal with so much; I work as a teacher so I can understand what you must've gone through. I carry hand sanitizer and try to wear a surgical mask during the flu season even though I get the absolute stares. Plus, I avoid touching students at all times — I just hand in their papers without touching anything else. I try to go for binders and encourage them to use binders, though when they do complete assignments in notebooks I end up disinfecting their covers, which has led to some surprises, to say the least.

I'd pat you on the back on the one about the friends and self-esteem, I can totally understand what you mean — try to hang in there, do the things that cheer you and don't try to fit in. It's too hard-a-chore to begin with and it'll leave you feeling drained.

I recently started reading Schopenhauer and other similar philosophers to understand others' perspective on life and the social nature of man. So far, so good. My strategy at the moment is jotting everything down and keeping lists, crossing things off at the right moment and confirming my thoughts and beliefs by checking with others, more experienced, equally depressed folks.