It's hard to have compassion for another person unless you walk in that other person's shoes. When I finally opened up and shared a lot of my history with the therapist that helped me the most, at one point he looked at me with a serious look and said "You have had a lot of trauma in your life, how did you manage to be so resiliant despite all that trauma you experienced"? I have a feeling that because I had to grow up in dysfunction and figure out how to deal with a lot of different temperments and I was the youngest child, I had to learn how to be resiliant. However, I have come to realize through this horrid condition I have been experiencing, that I did NOT feel safe, so I had to learn how to thrive despite not feeling "safe".

I have to say that I would probably handle the situation you faced with your room mate differently. If I was sitting down and eating something I prepared, I may have felt bad that the room mate came out and I had not prepared enough for her too. If I had been watching a movie and she shared that she knew the writer or director, I probably would have taken that as an opportunity to ask her questions. I may have said, "oh, how about I make you something to eat while you tell me all about these people". I am always interested in listening to another persons life voyage tbh. It sounds like this woman worked around a lot of very talented creative people. When it comes to that industry, one works around a lot of different kinds of creative people too and with that a lot of different kinds of personalities and temperments.

I got a job doing something with my ponies I had not imagined doing. I was paid to drive into Manhatten, NY and have one of my ponies be part of an episode that was being created for this newer program that was put out by the same people who do sesame street. The man that hired me does a lot of the animal parts in different productions both on film and on stage. For example, the dog that was used for the movie Annie, was his dog that he trained (he trains animals for movie and theater). The pay he offered was really good and he said it was not going to take that long and that I would be in and out. Well, I learned "never believe that" when it comes to working with creative people. \

This was going to be filmed in a big warehouse. This is how a lot movies and programs are done, in big warehouses. The show was called "OOBIE" and this show was created from deciding to have a program that uses what puppet people learn to do before using actual puppets. They start by using their hands with faces drawn on them and they decided to have hands be puppets in a show. This particular show I was hired for was called "Visiting the Farm" and one of the things these hand puppets were going to do is visit a pony, which turned out to my pony (I was not to be seen only the pony that I handled out of the camera shot. Well, I was only supposed to have a short scene with my pony, but it turned out to last for HOURS. My pony had to understand that these people that played these puppets would be on the ground all around her and the only thing the camera would show was part of their arms and the hands with faces on them. Actually, what I learned when I visited that warehouse is that all the sets are up in the air and the people operating the puppets are below that and all that's filmed is the puppets and the sets. So when you see it on the TV all you see are the sets and the puppets, you don't see how that is actually done. Well, I had no idea until I saw the sets and watched what they did to film the puppets and my pony. And when you get all these creative people together? They all have different ideas of what they want and that's why what was supposed to be a very short quick job for me, ended up actually taking the entire day. Also, these individuals get hungry and send out for food, no one is cooking, and a lot of these people just get used to having their food prepared for them. Everything is around the "creating" it's all consuming. You know that saying "Ugh, don't make a production out of this". Well, I really found out where that comes from. I got paid for getting to experience something a lot of people never get to experience. It was a VERY interesting day. I got to experience a different kind of "Art Community".

So, I would be very interested in listening to this room mate of yours. She has experienced things that many people simply don't get to experience. When a movie is over we see a long list of credits, these credits list all kinds of people that participated in that one production of work. Yes, there are a lot of people that really do all kinds of things that go into the final product we see on screen.

I had to leave my farm while it was still dark outside, I went into the barn and had to actually wake up my ponies and load them up on my trailer and they had no idea what I had planned for them that day. I really only had a very small idea myself tbh. My ponies had walked into this big warehouse and experienced all kinds of different people doing different things. I have to say, I was so proud of my ponies that day. I did put in a lot of training that MOST people have no idea takes place long before they experience what I do. They had to learn how to be ok in all kinds of environments, people have no idea how long it takes for these animals to learn to feel calm and safe. All the lights, and talking and props and people crawling around them on the ground? I had not realized were many of the things I had prepared them for and they sure made me proud. Yet, GOD FORBID all that effort I put into that HAVE ANY VALUE. That was what was written down in my records at the hands of a psychiatrist and psychologist. Illusions of grandeur I had about that value. By individuals who NEVER did any of what I did themselves, but if it was not important to THEM, then it's not important or deserved to have value. Oh, I believe you when you say I nailed something other therapists failed see for 20 years. They failed me too. Yet one did listen and managed to get a lot of it.

Hollywood is one huge "art community" full of all kinds of artistic people with all kinds of personalities that have to get along to produce a work of art, be it a movie, or what I worked on which was an episode revolving around "A day on the Farm". The camera people, the TV monitors where they see what happens on the TV, the set, the chatter, the silence while filming, all FACINATING.

Interesting that you liked the drums. Your mother should have gotten those drums not just for your sister but to have present for all of you to try to see if you liked playing them. I like the drums too, I love the percussion part that is present in music. I was a lead singer in a band for a while, my instrument of choice was the guitar yet I also loved the piano, my parents should have exposed me more to learning to play instruments. I taught myself how to play the guitar. I also showed talent when it came to the piano like my grandmother, figured out how to play it by ear. I could not read and write music but I created it anyway, created songs and I sure WISH I had known that this is what the Beetles did too, they could not write music either, in fact other top artists were the same.

I totally understand your desire to find an art community that you can feel safe in to create. I was not ready to handle all that I had to handle when I was a lead singer. Being chased in parking lots, mauled, and my agent tried to molest me and I was stalked and attacked by a drunk while on stage. I gave that up because while I sure loved singing and entertaining, the rest scared me and I ended up walking away from it. I happened to visit a friend up at college who was dating someone from Berkley School of Music. I went to a party and sat in a big loft and they were all playing and singing and creating and for the first time I felt YES THIS IS IT. I went home so excited and told my father that's what I wanted to do and he said NO, you just want to meet boys. I was so devasted. I wanted to go to a special art school, it was hard to get into. I applied and had my portfolio looked at by the owner and I was accepted, I was so excited only my father said no to that too.

I know what it feels like to have it inside you wanting to get out. Yet, when I was young when dad said "no" it was not going to happen. All that matters is HIS OPINION and I had to accept that even though it broke my heart.

Sometimes people do give up, something happens that breaks them and they may have kept trying many times, then something, something inside snaps. I know, because that is what happened to me. I managed to come back after some major challenges in my life, even almost dying. That was a hard journey to come back from too. Oh I have described this "dream of", but it's not a simply black and white deal. It's often a lot more complex than "just" that.