Extra session Friday to address stuff with drinking that had come up partway through the previous session. T, wearing his glasses, retrieved me, and I went back and sat down. When I'd texted to ask for an extra session Thursday (a couple hours after I'd left my regular session), he'd said, "Hope you're OK," which isn't something he'd usually include in that sort of text (usually he'd just offer a time). And he said I could send him an email explaining if I wanted, which I had.

He said he thought my email was a perfect summation of my thoughts. I said how it wasn't like a crisis, but that I wanted to talk about the topic more ASAP. Because maybe something would happen over weekend, then our focus would shift to that. How alcohol is a recurring topic, but then moves to backburner.

I told him how I'd started to be ready to make a change with some stuff that happened at the end of summer, but then had the rupture with him (he looked a bit sad when I said that). So I felt it was not the right time to be doing that, without having regular therapist support. I started seeing him again, but then all that stuff started going on with D that was stressful. Plus I had been trying to rebuild trust with him. But that I realized there was no perfect time. T agreed, saying how he sees D as a regular stressor, and that my relationship with H can be, too. T: "And over the past 5 years, I'd guess therapy has been as well." Me: "True..."

Me: "I was trying to figure out when it started to hit this point." T: "Is it really necessary to figure that out?" Me: "I don't know. Like maybe I should just focus on where I am now and go from there?" T said how we know two of the main reasons I use alcohol--as a coping mechanism and also as a positive association with H and other things.

I said how part of me wondered if he is sort of rolling his eyes, like, "Oh, this again?" How I keep mentioning it but don't really change. Me: "Or perhaps it's really me thinking that?" T said he's not inwardly rolling his eyes at me. Me: "That's good. And if you were outwardly rolling them at me, that would probably be time for me to leave!" T agreed. He said that the things I've said recently and in past year are signs that I am ready to change. T: "I'm definitely seeing progress." Me: "OK, good. It helps that you're seeing that. Because I feel I am, but then have trouble sticking with it." T: "It's very difficult." Me: "Yeah, it also helps that you understand that."

T: "I feel it's my responsibility to help you with this. We're in this together, and I should be helping you figure it out." Me: "I appreciate your saying that." (It particularly struck me because during the rupture a few months ago, over email, when I'd asked him to "give me hope" in a more general sense, he'd said, "How is that my responsibility?" Which hurt me. So now his saying this thing *is* his responsibility affected me.) He reiterated that his role is to help me through it. Me: "I mean, if at some point, you decide it's above your paygrade and feel you need to refer me to R (addictions expert) or the other addictions expert you mentioned working here for a bit, I would understand, and that would be OK." T: "That sounds like how I'd phrase it, too, the 'above my paygrade.'" Me: "Yeah, that's why I said it that way."

I said I felt like I needed to figure out what was underlying it. I shared something a friend had sent me from a book on a different approach to addiction, that basically said if you don't address the underlying causes and feelings, then attempts at stopping likely won't be successful. And that I feel that's what I've been trying to do with him. He agreed.

I said I was thinking the night before about whether I'm partly using beer to keep from really feeling certain emotions. Me: "Like after a session sometimes, I might still be feeling sad, so I'll go someplace to do work and have a couple beers. Because I feel if I just went home, then I'd sit there and cry for an hour and don't want to do that, especially if I have work to do. But then I was thinking last night, maybe I just need to let myself feel them?" T said maybe and added something he's said before about how the emotions are going to come out in *some* way or another.

I said how it feels safe to let my emotions out with him in session. How a couple weeks ago, I'd been really sobbing in there, and after I left, I felt lighter and didn't feel the need to cry anymore. Like I'd let something out that I'd needed to. He referenced something like...emotional bathing maybe? I forget. But he agreed that sometimes you just need to get them out.

I said that fit for sadness, but that I feel I need more help with anger, like that's something we need to work with more. Me: "I know I've been able to express it more with you, but it's hard because I know you might also express it back." T: "I thought you'd feel this was a safer place to do that, because it doesn't actually threaten the relationship." Me: "It's still scary to me." T looked sad. (I think this topic needs to be continued later.)

He said with emotions, he was going to use an analogy that he typically uses with younger clients. He said emotions are a bit like a porcupine. How it can have all its quills out and be quite sharp. But if you relax with it (or the emotions), and let it calm down, you'll find that the porcupine is actually quite soft. (It crossed my mind that this was perhaps a good analogy for T himself, but I didn't say that at the time.)

I said I think I need to work more on anxiety coping skills with him as well. That I'd started working on that back in beginning with ex-T. But got away from some of it. How I work on it from time to time with him. But think I need more techniques to deal with that. He said we could do some more breathing and meditation exercises, that we could practice each session together (we did that once months ago, and it was...nice).

The idea of distractions came up, and I mentioned using music. He said how it's been said that art is emotion in a visual form, so music could be emotion in an audio form. I said how in high school and college, I'd often listen to music through headphones before bed to help process emotions. That I also did more writing back then, like poetry. Do I maybe need to be creating something? Doing more writing, more painting. He said how creativity can be a good outlet. I said I did start my therapy memoir earlier in the week. T: "Marvelous!"

At the end, after confirming I was set for next week, I started to stand up and realized T was still sitting. T: "I wanted to clarify something with you." Me: "OK." He said that when he talks about things like how people tend to have more success with total abstinence than moderation, he's speaking in generalities. He's not talking about me specifically. I said OK. He said he got the sense from my email that I thought he was speaking more to me. I said I kinda did. He wanted to make sure that he's just passing along what he's learned. Me: "So it could be that I'd be successful at it." T: "Yes." Me: "OK, thank you for clarifying that."

Then he stood up. I got my things and threw away my tissue pile. T started saying "Enjoy." I said, "you, too." We shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too. Thanks for the extra session." T: "Sure."

The session was helpful and gave me a lot to think about. I'm still processing some of it, and we continued discussing some of it in my regular session today.