Hi. I've posted a lot about the trouble I've been having with my adult sister and I only recently realized that she is imitating the behaviors of our mother, stepfather, and aunts. Even though she dismissed these people as narcissists, she repeats things they have done as if she doesn't know how to be anything other than what she has seen.

I only realized this after talking to someone about an incident where my sister encouraged an older man to disregard my right to say no. I have been thinking a lot about how wierd it is that much older men who know other members of my family often pursue me aggressively a become a bit like stalkers when they barely know me.

A few years ago, my aunt tried to force both me and my sister to have a relationship with a wealthy old man who had been obsessed with my dead mother. My aunt encouraged this man hound me every day and tried to arrange for him to adopt me even though I was an adult. This ended in a big fight where our aunt disowned us for defying her.

Right after it happened, my sister repeated my aunt's behavior by pushing me to accept an invitation from another obsessive old man and even accepted a gift on my behalf (which my aunt had also done). This turned into an uncomfortable situation where the old man thought we had an intimate relationship and kept trying to barge into my personal life and he got very offensive when I ignored his demands.

Right after that, a third man who knew my relatives came after me, but I recognized the signs and ignored him early in the process.

For years, I wondered why bad men always think I'm an easy target, and I realized that every older man (there were five in total) who pursued me innappropriately were introduced to me by other members of my family. I'm not attracting them, my family members are talking about me in a way that makes predatory men think about me a certain way.

I've also noticed that my sister imitates our stepfather in the way she yells at me, especially about money issues. Right after we locked out stepfather out of our house, she took over his behaviors as if the oldest person has the right to be controlling and abusive. A lot of her other bad behaviors are just repeating what older family members have done and she thinks she's different from them because she hates the peoole she imitates.

It's a weird conundrum. It's as if she doesn't know how to be anything else, but at the same time, she knows to hide the worst of her behavior from people outside the family, just like my mother and aunts always did. I don't know if this makes me less mad about things my sister has done or if she is less accountable.

I have made some progress since realizing my sister probably has multiple mental illnesses. I've managed to change things at home quite a lot. I am making a point that the things she has normalized (the daily tantrums and not picking up after herself) are not normal. I've also stopped letting my life be controlled by whether she will be angry because her anger is not justified. I am prioritizing getting my health back, because stress makes me sick, so I can be more productive and get out of debt.

So my life has gotten a bit better in the last few months. It's a little less dirty and there is a lot less screaming. It does help to talk to people on forums to see the picture more clearly. You can't force abusers to get help, but you can stop their mental illnesses from controlling you to a certain degree.