My appointment with Pastor T went better than expected. He helped me set up a safety plan. He helped me set this up. 1st find out what psych hospitals take my insurance ahead of time so I'm not trying to do it in a crisis. Then set up with three friends ahead of time so they arent scared or freaked out when I need them. But if I have suicidal thoughts for three days call regular T and call these three friends. Have one friend contact me in the AM, one in the afternoon, and one at night. And do that for 3 days. If I'm not better then it's time to go to the hospital. I get suicidal thoughts a lot so it's hard to know when it's a crisis.
But, the bad part is, he says he thinks I'm beyond my training and stuff. Because of my hallucinations and stuff. He said most of the people he sees have like relationship stuff and things like that. But I seem to spiral out of nowhere. Which regular T says too. Regular T says I'm fine until I'm not fine and then I'm really not okay but there doesnt seem to be discernable triggers as to why I start feeling bad.
We talked some about taking suicide off the table. If I can make a promise to God to never sui. But I said I didn't see how I could promise that. We kind of talked about SH but he was struggling a bit bc of the pain meds he is on. He said let's set that aside for now. But he wanted me to think about going a year without SH. But I said SH helps with the sui thoughts. So he says he needs to think about that.
He told me to write a list about why I want to live or reasons to live or something.
He said to keep working on my memory verse but that I was doing a good job. And he said work on setting up the safety plan but he knows it will be a bit of a process. And then he confirmed for next week. I was scared he was going to terminate me since he said I was past his training but he didn't. Maybe I need to think about this. But he was comforting at least. I told him he didn't have to worry about me tonight. And he prayed for me and that was that. Thanks for all the good thoughts couchies. Hugs Kit