TW because this is very dark.

It’s a strange thing because obviously I come on websites like this, I go to therapy, I try to get help when I need it but at the end of the day I really don’t want to get better. I love being able to do the self destructive things. I don’t want to get better. I think a part of me feels like I don’t really have depression unless I do take my life. And I feel like I’m just making excuses and being lazy until I do. Not getting better helps me feel better about how bad I am at living. At least I have depression as an excuse.