So....last night's session with Pastor T. It went well. Better than I expected. We had to talk about my recent sui attempt of course. He had knee surgery a few weeks ago and is on pain meds, but he said he didn't want to skip another week with me and this was before I told him about the attempt. We spent a lot of time unpacking it, what went wrong, the spiraling etc. There didn't seem to be any specific triggers for it. I have suicidal thoughts A LOT but sometimes they get out of control and the hard part for me is to know when they have crossed the line into a crisis sort of situation. So, we came up with a safety plan that I think is better than the one that regular T came up with. He said to talk to three friends (before things get bad) and to set up something with them where if I am having too many suicidal thoughts too many days in a row (we picked three days) that I would contact them and they would (if they agree) one would contact me in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one at night. Just to check on me. Also call my regular T at that time. Then in three more days if things haven't gotten better to go to the hospital. And to already know which hospital to go to. So today I went online and found out which psych hospitals take my insurance. The closest one is maybe an hour and 15 minutes away. He told me how to self-report or something like that.

Then we talked about SH some. That was hard. He wants to challenge me to commit to a year of no SH. I was like, uh, what you don't understand is that the SH helps with the suicidal thoughts. So he said he needed to think about that one. He said I need to have a conversation with God about suicide. That is is an unacceptable behavior and see what God says to me. To basically make a covenant with God that I won't do this sort of thing again. I was like, how can I promise that? So I guess I'm not there yet.

The part that worries me is that he said he thinks I am above his training. He has a PhD! Sheesh! He said he's not really used to working with people who hallucinate and stuff. He mostly works with couples on marriage issues and stuff. So I got really worried that he was going to terminate with me. At that moment, I really did not want to be terminated! He said he is used to working with people who can determine their triggers and know why they are spiraling but with me it seems like my brain just starts attacking me. Everything can be fine until it's not fine. Which is the same thing that Regular T says. I'm worried about the part where he thinks I'm too messed up and beyond his training.

But I do like the safety plan. I think it's a good one. Better than the one Regular T came up with which was just to call the answering service and have them call her. And then I had to talk to her and meet with her. This is sort of progressive like, do this, if this isn't enough do this. If this isn't enough go to the hospital!

We worked on my memory verse which he said I am doing really well. I almost had it. And then kind of wrapped things up.
Comments okay,
HUGS Kit