Hi everyone...
I haven't posted in years. How is everyone doing?
I always come back here because the community is so honest and caring-- it makes me feel like I'm worth something.

If you scroll through my previous posts, you'll get a taste of the issues I had with my boyfriend in the past. I never mentioned one of the biggest issues: his co-workers at that bar (Kitty's.) Specifically one-- we'll call her Shameless.

My boyfriend's drinking was a known issue for years, something I tried to help with to no avail. He'd gotten better both as a person and with his drinking and we were doing well up until July 2019.
He'd gone for a pub crawl with his new bar's (Kiwi's) entourage of co-workers and bosses. It was a marketing thing. He promised he wouldn't get drunk (I've been here before, haven't I?)
Lo-and-behold, he was drunk when he got home. I was SO angry, I chose not to argue and just go to bed but I had this sinking, burning feeling in my chest. I couldn't breathe-- I don't know what it was.

I rolled over and checked his phone. Texts to his co-worker (not Shameless, we'll call this one Brazen) saying "You're ridiculously cute" and "You always look sooo good." I grew cold and livid. Flew off the handle at him, yelling, crying, raging-- everything. He was in tears, didn't remember sending the message.
As I continued yelling, he blurts out another truth: "I cheated on you. With Shameless." Back in 2016. "We had sex. After the Christmas Party."

My world was flipped completely upside down.
Throughout all of 2016, I faced issues with him and this girl. I warned him about her. I asked him to cease contact. "We work together. Nothing is going on. She's just a friend. She thinks you're pretty." That damn sentence. Back then, she'd taken his phone and put a heart emoji next to her name in his contacts. She snapped a picture with him, that was her contact photo. She constantly texted him, snapchatted him. They spent at least 10 hours a day with each other at work-- and I barely saw him. How could I compete?
They had sex on December 20th, 2016 and he kept it a secret until this year.
I had suspicions back then. I straight out asked him. He denied it every time. He denied it through guilty rages but now that I think about it, he confessed when he was concerned about a skin tag on his p*nis, thinking it was an STD.
"What are you so worried about? It's just a skin tag."
"I don't want you to think I cheated on you," in the smallest, meekest voice.

It's so laughable now. I feel like such a fool.
I was manipulated, emotionally abused-- and I let it all happen!
Now I'm plagued by constant images, thoughts, nightmares, suicidal thoughts... I'm so scared of myself. I just want to be happy.
It's so unfair to see him just sit there, content and me, a complete broken version of myself. I'm so angry and hurt, I don't even recognize who I am anymore.

I've bought multiple books to help me get through this, I've been to counseling for maybe like a month (it was getting very expensive, so I had to stop)-- I can't understand why I can't let go of this anger. For weeks at a time, I'd be okay and now? It's his birthday and all I want to do is disappear.

Please help me. I have no one to depend on.

Edit:
My boyfriend has since changed completely after the revelation. He completely admitted to everything, never held anything I wanted to know back. He went to counseling, he's bought a ring, he wants children-- he tells me that a life with me is all he wants and I believe him. He's even got a career in HVAC now. I feel like everything happens for a reason-- but why at the expense of others? He's grown a great deal and I'm very proud but now I feel like I'm the one holding us back.