Thanks @LonesomeTonight, @comrademoomoo, and @ArtleyWilkins for your responses to my post. You've given me some things to think about. I hadn't really thought about the negatives of relying on friends when I'm suicidal. I do have one friend that I know would check up on me (she's checked up on me every day since I told her about the attempt) but I told her yesterday that I am tired of talking about it and she said she wouldn't bring it up unless I did, so that's good. I don't think he means for them to be accountable for me, just more like, send me an encouraging text or something. Like, "Hang in there" or "Thinking of you" something like that. I actually had a group of coworkers do that for me once when I was going through a particularly bad patch of SH and they got me through a couple of months by just texting me every day something like that.


I've been thinking a lot about what he said about me talking to God. I definitely don't think I'm at that point in my life where I can commit to never acting on it again. I *can* commit to finding out which hospital to go to ahead of time, and I *can* commit to calling Regular T before taking any action, stuff like that. I get what he is saying but his message is sometimes off the mark. He doesn't want me to spiral though if he says something that unsettles me.


I think he probably is over his head. I think he thought I was going to be like a fairly straight forward case. And he wouldn't be the first person to tell me that my dx is too complex for them (though not in those words). I did tell him about my dx before we even started working together because partially I wanted to be sure he knew what he was getting into. But he's not used to dealing with hallucinations and stuff like that. I don't know if it unsettles him, but he doesn't seem to know what to do about it. Although, neither does regular T. She says they are ghosts and I'm like, no I don't believe in that. Unfortunately I'm sort of in a rural enough area that there aren't a lot of people to choose from. Former T was really good until she got the MS, but even she was doing a lot of "stabilization" work with me. He is kind of comforting and I don't want to lose that. I guess we will see how it goes in a session or two more and then see. Plus with Regular T moving, I'm not sure if I want to be "T" less for a few weeks until Regular T gets set up. Kind of the "something is better than nothing" approach.


I do think I need to find a T that is more experienced with what I deal with. I have NO IDEA how to do that. And I'm too exhausted and drained and depressed right now to go through the search. But when I start feeling better then I know I need to at least, look around, for someone who can help me better. Maybe we can telehealth it. Get somebody from a bigger city like Los Angeles or something. We'll see.

Thanks for the responses and thanks for the insights, and thanks for the support!
HUGS Kit