So, I am in my late 30s. My life has been dramatic, to put it lightly.

Ooooh how to put it succinctly?

I was not raised. I was born and then ignored pretty much.

Had a terrible childhood. No friends, no love from my family. Hated, neglected. I wanted to be a good person. I tried to be, but I was always judged to be bad.

And as a teen guess what!? I went wild. As soon as I got a car and a dose of freedom I attached to the first person who showed interest in me, and that person was a drug dealer.

So I skipped school, stayed with this DD, working for her, got arrested a couple times for possession. Did a couple stints of probation.

My HS was in a mostly posh kind of area so they didn't like me and sent me to the local "throw away" school, where there was no education, but most of the day was spent in group therapy where they psychologically tortured us into compliance.

Technically I got a HS diploma, but there is no education behind it. I am telling you they let me sit in math class doing adding and subtracting out of a textbook because of course I played dumb because I didn't want to do school work. School was basically like prison to me, I had no interest.

So after HS I didn't get arrested anymore, mostly just luck because I continued my criminal ways for a while.

BUUUUT in my mid 20s I had an awakening of sorts. I remember how curious I was as a kid and suddenly I realized that one of the reasons that I wasn't happy with life was that I wasn't learning or growing.


So I decided to try college. Enrolled in community college, but... loooong story short. I had health issues starting to creep up (likely due to the build up of unprocessed trauma catching up with me) plus my lack of experience in studying, I just couldn't cut it. I hardly lasted two semesters.

Also during this time I met my, now, husband.

I am from the USA.


He is from Canada.

LOOONG story short, my living situation fell apart and we wanted to be together. I had no choice but to move to Canada.

Immigration took years because we were broke. He has a disability which makes it hard for him to find work. I wasn't allowed to work until I got my permanent residence. So we were terribly impoverished for years.

More health issues. I nearly died. I also became suicidal.

FINALLY we succeeded in my immigration efforts.

FINALLY I could try to start working again.

But I had gained so much weight and was in such bad health. So I tried to start fixing all that and injured myself permanently. My knees are really bad.

I can no longer work the kinds of physical jobs I used to and have no experience or work history to get better kinds of jobs.

Luckily my husband did manage to find a good job so we are financially ok for now.

Oh yeah and we had a kid which has been keeping be very busy for the last 5 years.

But now I am at a point that I really want to try again to better myself, maybe find a way to make my own money instead of just living off my husbands income for the rest of my life.

But the problem is that the local colleges here don't have any classes that interest me. The college I tried before had some real subjects, like physics and philosophy that you could then finish in a 4 year school. Here the colleges are just offering things like nursing, metal work, office administration, etc.

I am not interested in studying for grunt work. I want to LEARN! I am thinking about philosophy, psychology, or one of many science fields I take interest in. So I really need to be accepted by one of my two local universities.

So finally, to get to the point...

The problem is that both schools require (this is copied from one of their websites but they both want pretty much the same thing):

"1.Biographical information (approximately 500 to 1000 words outlining what you have been doing since leaving full-time studies, your goals, what you expect to gain from a university education and why you feel you will be successful in your studies)

2.Transcript of secondary studies and/or most recent studies. Mature applicants are not normally considered for admission to Public Affairs and Policy Management, Music, Journalism, Commerce or International Business. The admissions committee reviews all applications on an individual basis. Admission requirements vary by program. Learn more about prerequisite subjects."

So my HS transcript is comical. In 10th grade I earned 3 credits, barely. And the last two years I got decent "grades" because all I had to do to get them was to show up, but they aren't classes that will impress a University, and I have absolutely no "prerequisites" under my belt.

And the Bio. THAT is what makes me sick to even think about. They want impressive people. Upstanding citizens who have been doing something with their life.


I have been barely surviving. My life has largely been a big fat waste of time. I have succeeded in nothing. I have TRIED practically nothing. How am I going to impress them with my story?

Not only the lack of quality substance, but another problem is that I suffer anxiety when I have to be the centre of attention, especially talking about myself. Even in writing. Not so much in a forum like this but for someone else to hear or read and to also know me, or in this case judge me based on it.

I have a hard time talking about my past to my therapist. Like, I get frozen sometimes. My muscles get all tense and I have to do breathing exercises to get unlocked. So how can I tell these people who are judging my eligibility for education about my sordid history?


And how could I possibly exude confidence in my success? I don't really have "confidence," but I DO want to try REALLY hard!

I have been working with a tutor for nearly a year now. We had to start at the 7th grade level for math and English, and I am learning it all up to the 12th grade level before I even try to enroll, so this time I will be more prepared academically and in my study habits. So I feel like I have a better chance now, but to say I "feel I will be successful in my studies" would be a lie.


I am also a person who is really dedicated to truth. I couldn't bring myself to lie. To give them a false history, to feign confidence. If I am on a path to self betterment and growth I want to do it as me and not some false persona...

But that all leads me to my problem here, as I have already stated. I have shame and guilt and have done bad things and have failed and failed and I am not confident, but I just want a chance to TRY! and be an honest person at the same time. And the world has shown me that there is no forgiveness for past mistakes.....

So, I am just wondering, if I can summon the courage to lay it out for them, tell them all this truth, would I stand a chance? I suspect they would be more likely to take out a restraining order.

Is it better to lie? Sometimes you have to be dishonest to get ahead in the world right? If this IS the case it is unlikely I will even try, because I don't want to live a lie.

Any thoughts about all this would be greatly appreciated!