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Mine had also treated me very badly-- slurs, scary actions like kicking in a door, grabbing my wrists, blatantly saying things like "I don't like living with you,"-- all from that same year. The revelation of this disgusting decision has made everything flood back and I learned I never really recovered from anything. I only buried it.
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Saying "I don't like living with you" often means "I don't like living with the guilt I feel because I cheated you".
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Right now, I just feel so angry and numb. I'm saying hurtful things because I don't care how he feels presently and I just feel terrible for it.
I can't seem to pull myself out of this mindset and I don't want to hurt him.
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We don't want to hurt someone we love. Yet, he did hurt you and he says mean things to you and even grabbed your wrists so that means he can get physical with you as well.
It's understandable that you struggle with all of this because of how much you WANTED to love him. Yet, he needs to prove to you that he actually deserves your love. Just behaving for four months is not enough. You may be exposing yourself to experiencing a relationship where you end up living your life around HIS behaviors where he behaves for a while and then he once again does something bad. That is what I lived with for a long time not even realizing I was living something that was very unhealthy for me and dysfunctional.
It's important that you see a therapist about this challenge so you can better understand what kind of "unhealthy" conditions you are living with and to also learn "why" you are accepting this kind of pattern of behavior. Often this actually stems from a person's history where they grew up seeing this kind of behavior pattern exist in their parent's relationship. A person can "unknowingly" learn to think that it's normal behaviors that take place in a relationship, after all it's what mom and dad did too. Well, it's NOT healthy and just because it feels familar, doesn't mean it's a healthy familiar.
Also, your husband is probably acting out behaviors he also saw in his childhood as well, he has really learned very dysfunctional ways of relationship behaviors. You cannot FIX him either, the only one that can do that and he has to WANT to do that, is him.
Truth is, we can love someone who is not healthy for us. You deserve to experience a relationship where you can love someone who is capable of respecting and loving you back. You have been dragged into a dysfunctional love that is unhealthy for you.