Hello "I hate myself": I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central! I'm sorry for your struggle. But I'm so glad you've come here to PC to share your concern. Hopefully being here can be of some comfort & support for you.

First off I want to assure you you're not a pedophile! Thoughts are just thoughts. And no matter what thoughts may go through your head (& by the way... we all have them) they don't make you a pedophile. Now you asked if what you're struggling with might be Pure O or POCD. We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. So I can't tell you what type of diagnosis might fit what you're experiencing. For that you would need to see a mental health professional (perhaps a mental health therapist or a psychologist.)

What I believe I can suggest to you, though, is that what you're struggling with may well be simply a combination of the types of sexual exploration we all experience around your age along with what sounds to me like a developing addiction to internet pornography. Addiction to internet pornography is something many people (including many adults) struggle with. It is "insidious"... in other words it creeps up on you & you don't even realize what's happening until you're hooked. And then it can be difficult to stop, as you already realize.

I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't give you professional advice. But, from a lay-person's perspective, what I would say is that the first thing to do is to do whatever you must do to stop watching porn. I know I may be a bit prejudiced myself. But I don't believe there is any good that can come to you from watching that stuff. And then, beyond that, if you find you simply can't let go of the worries you're struggling with, perhaps see if it would be possible for you to see a mental health therapist or a psychologist with whom you can talk all of this through in real life. You're NOT a pedophile. But the worry & fear you've developed over this can make your life miserable. (You already know that.) So it's important to do what you need to do to put your worries & fears to rest once-&-for-all. Does that make sense?

I hope you find being here on PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Assuming you're going to continue to post, here on PC, may I suggest you consider changing your username to something a bit more positive? (I don't want you to hate yourself.) You can do that by personal messaging one of our administrators. Here's a link to the FAQ that tells you how to do it:

https://psychcentralforums.com/faq.p...changeusername