L and I talked about playing games again today. It's actually been a hard topic for me. When she asked what game I wanted to play, I froze. I couldn't tell her. I felt like she would be mad, upset, or disappointed in my choice. So I wrote it down for her: chess or checkers. She was okay with both. I told her I want to play a game on the 23rd, before Christmas. She thought that was a good idea as well. But I'm so scared! I'm terrified! And I don't know why. I think it's because I'll have to let my guard down a little? Or maybe because we'll be closer? I know I'm so afraid of her judging me physically especially my weight and my teeth. I'm so tense with her already. And I hide behind my purse. I really want to do this, but I'm not sure I can. Am I just being silly? My family thinks I am. But they don't understand why I'm still tense with her. I don't know. I just know I'm scared.