it's easier because it's what i know.. it's my experience.. it is the rotten, crumbled and ineffectual foundation that i am operating from, the one we need to replace and rebuild.

and you know what? it %#@&#! hurts

having to turn and look and see what is broken or just plain missing, the gaps and cracks in the foundation.. and how or why they are that way... hurts hurts hurts

lenny, T says same thing about progress.. that i am learning not to trust certain feelings... he says i am doing more than i think i am. Thanks for saying so But being "worth it?" No.. that is a concept i apply to others without hesitation, but not to me

i dont ever want his opinion to matter less... but i want what i do with it to affect me less. If that makes sense. i will always want his approval, but i want to get to where not having it will not cause mental collapse... would still have weight, but not veto.

today i am feeling a lot better, i wrote out stuff, listened to the voicemails, talked myself through some as best i could... and slept properly. NEVER underestimate the power of sleep. i suffered through this more than is acceptable to me.. i need my focus and belief in myself right now... 2 wks to the end of term... and then flung out into space. Being a contemporary visual artist in the real art world is a difficult job

anyone got any confidence for sale? cheap or lease?