So sorry lily and I too can relate.I grew up in strict religious household and was so confused with my experiences in reality and what the religion and spirituality teaches us.My mom was a involved in religion very much and was a religious and spiritual mentor to youth in our small town.I had to listen to her sitting in the front row of her class.Her preachings to small children were quite opposite to what she does behind the closed doors.I innocently asked God so many questions,wondering if he sees the hypocrisy for her.I am a believer struggling to find my calling.I can understand what you are going through.