I need to not think about the awful, awful happenings in UK politics at the moment, so I will write about my session last night instead.

I haven't felt as much for T as I usually do, or rather, it feels on the edge of my awareness, I can't feel it in my core. It has been going on for months. We had a rupture several months ago which amounted to a conflict of interest for him in something I was doing professionally, and he failed to keep his own feelings about it outside of the room. I was going through a tough time and I needed him, and he wasn't there. He was looking at the situation from the perspective of how it impacted on him, and people he knows, and not how it was impacting on me. It was tough. Things improved for me, but no thanks to therapy or T really. He had an empathy fail.

Anyway we patched things up but I think something has been bubbling ever since. I met someone earlier this week who I have been in opposition with, on this same issue, and we had a moment where I acknowledged how hard it had been for both of us. The other person was visibly emotional, and I felt very little. It struck me as odd that I felt nothing as the issue had brought me to the edge of a breakdown a few months ago. I started to think about how I must have shut off my feelings about this thing in order to get through it, and it made sense to me then that I have also shut my feelings off about T, because having the rug of therapy pulled out from under me at that time was extremely painful. So I told T all of this last night. He was very good about hearing all of this, and sad that so much harm had been done by his attitude earlier this year. We talked about disloyalty/betrayal. I said it felt like disloyalty. Not that I expect him to be loyal to me, but I expect him not to be loyal to someone else against me. He suggested betrayal. I said I felt like betrayal was disloyalty in action, and it wasn't so much his actions, it was his attitude. We joked intermittently, and I drew attention to it. We agreed that the joking was a way to stay in touch with each other. He said "we are communicating that, even though this is tough, we are still mates really". (mates - uk term for friends).
I feel pretty isolated and alone at the moment. My relationship with H has been a bit distant, so has my relationship with T, and I have thrown myself into a lot of work (not client work) that I am not sure is sustainable. I want T back. I want to connect deeply with someone again. I have sat with him so many times over the last few months and thought "I miss you" while he was sat right there. I am glad we are starting to talk about it. But Christmas is approaching and I don't think the three week break will help matters. I am sad and impatient. I am annoyed that this has happened, both for what it has done to me and what it has done to my relationship with T. And I also know there is value to noticing it all and working through it. So that's what I will have to do.