You survived! And now you are pursuing something you really want. You know that ruminating on the past does not change anything. I too have been through a lot of trauma and while I'm nowhere near healed from it all, I try to not let the past influence my future. Be the person you want to be or at least pretend to be.

I know it doesn't really help but, the pain really does get better. Or rather, we learn to grow in spite of it.
Try to think of yourself as a WINNER! rather than a loser.