I miss you. I don’t really want to see you. I am however terrified of you being away over Christmas. I’m also relieved because I am low on words and motivation. I’m conflicted. I think I’m craving consistency and connection, and you are the only person in my life that provides it / I feel able to form that relationship with you because 1. It is your job to be there for me and to be consistent and connect with me, therefore if you fail to provide it, it’s on you, not me. 2. It is a mutually beneficial relationship - I pay for your time, you provide me with a service. Real life relationships don’t have set rules or systems. I hate this. It means I crave everything from you, but I’m restricted with when I can access what I need.