You know, I feel pretty pissed off at you right now and I don't think I'm being irrational, either.

I shared with you that I have a disorganized attachment style. You seemed to value that insight at the time and think it was important, yet your actions lately seem really careless in light of that. The whole thing about disorganized attachment is that it is a result of not being able to depend on or predict what caregivers are going to do as a child. You are doing and saying things that send different messages, so this just feeds into the issues that come with a disorganized attachment style.

I feel like I've unintentionally pulled you into some sort of reenactment and you've allowed it to happen. It feels like you aren't even trying to understand what's going on. Maybe you've given up?

I am attached to you, and I hate that - because I'm having doubts about whether you're willing to help me. Notice that I say willing and not capable. I think you are capable but it would require you to do more than sit there and listen.

I do want help. It's just really hard to act like it because that feels so vulnerable. Yet I have expressed several times at this point that I do want help and I don't like the way I am. It would just be nice if you could meet me halfway.

You asked C if she feels like seeing you is helping, including seeing me - or if that is making things worse. That felt like a betrayal. I notice you never ask if talking to C is making things worse for me. I guess you don't need to since I express how I feel about it - but you have literally called me selfish in response. That tells me that my feelings on the subject aren't important and also suggests that you likely wouldn't even ask how I felt about it.

I'm tired of this. I see the biggest problem here as your insecurity and lack of effort to understand my (and C's, for that matter) interpersonal issues. You seem to feel overly responsible for our symptoms while also being lazy af about analyzing anything that occurs.

You and C aren't a good match. You just aren't compatible. You make her uncomfortable and self conscious with your demeanor. The way you are seems fine to me, but like I said, I'm having doubts about whether seeing you is what's best for me.

I don't really feel like searching for another therapist. That stupid diagnosis makes it hard. But C would spiral without having some place to go every week, even if the person she's meeting with isn't a great fit. I don't really know what to do. I feel stuck.

All that to say, I am going to have a look at other therapists in the area.