Today I went to a workshop and afterwards talked to the instructor candidly about what my goals are. I noticed myself tearing up as I spoke, but I didn't burst into tears or anything. It was REALLY scary to be so vulnerable with someone I don't know about what my creative goals are; esp. with someone who has major connections.

I asked her about where I should start and she advised me. And then she commented that she could tell how important it was for me to reconnect with this specific creative community of people. I don't know what she was thinking about me as a person, but once you are vulnerable with someone about who you really are there's no going in reverse. People will think what they want to about you when you show them your true self.

Considering the crappy situation I'm in -- not working steadily right now, living with a roommate who is mentally ill -- I NEEDED this workshop. I needed to go to it. It felt like the first step towards something good that could result. I don't know if that will be the result, but I know I'd have felt worse if I hadn't gone to this workshop today. I had been thinking about this creative field for 20 years, longing to get involved again, scared that the people who don't like me in it, since everyone here knows everyone who's involved with it, would prevent me from reconnecting with this community as a creative outlet for myself. That can still happen of course, because not everyone I knew "back then" liked me as a person.

So, I left and by the time I got to my car, I was definitely in full weep mode. I realized right away, it was my body's response to being so emotionally vulnerable with someone who has power and authority in a field I want to get connected back into again. I'm a little embarrassed in hindsight, thinking about the first impression she has of me, should I successfully get back into this creative field and start socially connecting with people she knows.

But, one thing I don't feel is shame. I am glad I was vulnerable with her. I want connection again with the creative field I was once connected to twenty years ago and since I can't afford to move anywhere, I have to reconnect with everyone again....with people I knew "back then." Some of whom liked me, some who definitely didn't like me. But it's a first step. And the first step is sometimes scary to take, even when you know you have nothing to lose by taking it, since it's a risk. But I did it for my spirit. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate?