If you read about my session yesterday, you know how intense it was. Plus, this whole crying in front of T thing is new to me. I was able to stay safe and feel safe even though I was scared to death because he was right there, holding my hand. However, once I walked out of that room, it was like, "%#@&#!, I'm left to my own devices now. "

So brilliant PinkSoil goes into the bathroom, takes her razorblade, and does some SI.

Then I leave, and as I said in my other post, T came out to my car to tell me a couple of things. Since I cannot hide anything from him, I held up my arm to him. He said, "I know" thinking that I was just reinforcing the emotions I was feeling for what I have done to myself. I said, "No. Just now. In the bathroom. I'm so sorry."

T said, "You don't have to be sorry. It is what you know. It is how you cope and it's just what you did. But.... you can't be doing that in the office.... and the bathroom counts as part of the office. But do not apologize, it is just where you were at during that moment. We will work on it."

Hours after I got home yesterday, I left him a message. I said, "You don't have to respond to this. I just want to tell you that I was thinking about how you touched my arms in session and how no one has ever gotten that close to my pain like that. Thank you for not being afraid. However, I am also working on giving myself some recognition in that I never allowed anyone to get that close to my most shameful and hurting parts. And I let you. I'm sorry for what I did in your bathroom, but I had no emotional regulation once I walked out of that door. Everything that was going on right in front of you was still going on when I left your room and I didn't know what to do with that, so I handled it the only way I know how. I feel like I should have known better."

I never think anything through before I do it. I hate that.