Oh, but your response is chock full of insight bpcyclist. I don't WANT to deal with these folk who knew me "back then," but they are quite active in the scene here, so unfortunately, my paths will cross with theirs at some point.

In the past ten years, when I tried to re-enter the scene again, I first tried to socially network with a couple of people I knew from college. I met one for coffee and asked her if she'd mentor me. She gave me her phone # and said I could call her. I was shocked by her response, when I finally DID call her, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME BLANCHE."

So I responded, "Um, you gave me your phone number and told me that I could call you. I was just calling to see if you'd have time to get together..." and then that same year, when I tried to join a local small group, she found out about it, and told them *whatever she told them that wasn't nice about me* so they emailed me and told me I couldn't join their group. So, I decided not to even attempt to join another group out of fear of what she'd say about me to the new people on the scene.

We were in college classes and productions together, and always got along. So, I literally have NO CLUE what I did or said to her, that made her suddenly dislike me. And I'm not one to live in denial about my flaws. I know what they are. Believe me.

Another guy, who is prominent in the scene here, I met through mutual acquaintances. We joked around via email a lot with each other. We met for coffee a couple of times platonically and at the second meeting, as he was walking away he shouted, "I'll make sure you never work in this town Blanche. You're a *****."

Then later, I ran into him grocery shopping and when he saw me, he immediately darted the opposite direction. Again, unless someone tells me what I did or said to them that made them angry, I don't read minds, so I don't know why he responded that way to me. He's in a very powerful position here so there's no way I can avoid him hearing about me once I get back into the scene again. That's how small the community is.

A third person who knows both of these other people, I had met with about potentially being roommates with. I went to one of her shows, and met one of her male friends and we got to talking and she didn't like this.

So that when her male friend went up to perform, he made a reference to me in a very negative way (not using my name) but he referenced word-for-word a conversation I'd had earlier that day with this woman about living w/her. So, it was a giveaway that they had talked about me and she had turned him against me that night before I'd even had a chance to really hang out with him.

She had wanted me to rent the attic portion of her house and told me that because she hosts performers, I would not be allowed to have access to the rest of her house, which I told her, seemed odd. She also told me that she doesn't socialize with her roommates and not to expect us to become friends. It was just a weird meeting.

So, obviously, I declined to be her roommate. Then later, went to a group performance where she was performing, with some other friends at the time. None of them could understand why that guy's monologue (where he mocked me verbatim) about a woman (me) would upset me. Even after I explained the context to my friends, they told me I was overreacting, but I wasn't.

So, these two women are quite chummy with each other and both hate my guts exponentially. I tried to be friends with them both, but they rejected me.

The only way I can think of shielding myself, is maintaining good standing with the director I met today in the workshop I completed. She knows *everyone* (famous people too).

This may have been a major oopsie, but I revealed to her BY NAME who I was associated with 25 years ago in the scene (she knew who I was talking about). I joked, "Yeah, I wasn't 'cool' enough I guess, so I just gave up. But now, I really want a second chance b/c I really miss [the creative field] it as an outlet. I had fun when I used to do it."

So, if that was an oopsie...then, oopsie. I shouldn't have bad-mouthed those people but it was past pain resurfacing after the workshop finished, when I thought about what I allowed myself to miss out on the past 25 years b/c of how I wasn't "let in" to the scene by the dominant performers, despite being just as skilled as they are. (Now I sound like a whiner...oopsie).

She may confirm their low opinion of me now, b/c of my oopsie in disclosing that i felt shunned by those few personalities. But, I did mention a few others she knows by name, who I've maintained good standing with over the years who like me a lot. So it's really a 50/50 of hate/like Blanche.

And with new people, I need to just let them decide for themselves who to believe; these established folk who hate my guts, or me, if I act as anything these people bring up about me from the past, doesn't mean anything to me (but the director clearly saw that it does...i.e. me tearing up a little).

But really, there was no way around the tears-response. I knew it would be scary to try to re-enter the scene. I just decided recently, I'm tired of letting some of these people's low opinions of me prevent me from pursuing something I used to be really skilled at, and passionate about.

The director ended our conversation referring me to another contact to help me get back into the scene. So I will contact this person via email and see what happens. This person's response will reflect whether or not the Blanche naysayers still want to keep me out of the scene.

Yes. I was deeply hurt -- my trust betrayed actually -- by someone with power and authority in this scene a long time ago. I was let down because lies were spread about me by this powerful person (and everyone believed him at the time).

I hope the director today could see just how crucial her workshop was for my spirit -- how much it meant for me to participate again. I felt overwhelmed because it was a neutral space with a group of complete strangers who didn't know me, who supported me during the workshop and got to know me. So, it was the first time in 25 years, where I felt optimistic, like, "maybe I can get involved again and have fun and become accepted back into the community despite the assholes who didn't like me."

I'll find out. Her workshop was the door I walked through, so to speak. I am not closing that door again. I need this for my spirit. Life is short, as they say.