Hi Peezytang,


Welcome to Psychcentral Forums. You'll find a lot of support here.

To answer your question, yes, your father was and is abusive....but you probably know that already. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. At 21, you have gained a great amount of maturity....but that's probably the part and parcel of growing up in a dysfunctional abusive family....you have know choice but to grow up fast. I hope you already are in or can enter therapy. It will help you heal. A sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. I found writing a journal very healing. There are tons of self-help books as well which can help you gain a perspective and help you move on.

The lesser contact you can have, the better. From what I read, your father simply cannot handle rejection or criticism of any kind. Pls minimize all contacts and dependency you can, with him. As long as you are even a little bit dependent on him, he will find ways to control you. I'm glad he didn't go any further in sexually abusing you. Abusers, when it comes to sexual abuse, will constantly test the boundaries on how far they can get away with it. He didn't stop touching you but probably because you constantly told him not to do it, he didn't go any further. Having said that, imo, emotional abuse is much more damaging than physical and sexual abuse. It completely robs you of your self-worth and self-esteem. Pls find a therapist, or read self-help books or maintain a journal or reach out to the people in this forum to help you become an emotionally stronger individual. Learning self-defense can also be helpful, even if you may never need it. Just the thought that your body can defend you when needed, is an empowering thought in itself.

You mentioned about your father and grandmother. How are your relations with your mother and brothers? Are you in touch with them? No one comes unscathed living in a dysfunctional abusive family. Your brothers and mother may have scary incidents of their own, locked inside them. If your mother and brothers can attend group therapy together, or atleast talk about how abusive your father was/is, it may be a great bonding factor. It may open up avenues of communication. From what you have written, your mother may have been too depressed to be an attentive/protective mother to you and your brothers. With your father out of the picture, maybe this can be a fresh start as a family by healing together.

I wish you all the best....and do reach out, whenever you feel like.