Quote:
Originally Posted by Serpentine Leaf
You've known some really crummy people, Lundi. It's a reflection on them and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Some people respond to our own insecurities by attacking ourselves and believing our cruelest critics, especially when those critics are inside our own minds. I've been this way all my life and apparently you have too. A lot of us here on this forum are (that's probably why we're here). Others respond by ripping other people down, especially those who are already in pain. They have wolfish instincts and can easily spot someone who will be wounded by their attacks. That's what they do to feel better about themselves. You are not flawed. They're projecting their own flaws onto you to feel as if they've shed them for a little while. It isn't rational and it's vicious, but some people are just like that. Trust me, a woman who has faced the same ridicule you have, or has experienced abusive relationships, would think your virginity and general innocence is a plus, not something repulsive.
I'll say this again: you are not flawed because you haven't had a romantic and sexual relationship with the women you have tried so far. It really sounds like you're trying to make yourself an extroverted NT in dating situations. You aren't going to find success, or happiness, if you do that. Meetups and dating sites only work for people who are very conventional. Heterosexual ones depend on those who fall on extreme (and in my view, disgusting) gender stereotypes. A female is expected to be an exceptional beauty, can't be "too smart," and can't make too much or too little money. A male is expected to be exceptionally handsome and muscular, macho, and financially successful. All are expected to enjoy dancing and drinking and casual meaningless sex. I don't think any of that is what you want.
A good place to start would be to think of what qualities you'd want in a girlfriend. Do you want someone with whom you could talk about science, art, lit, and current events? Do you want someone who will help you explore possibilities you had never considered before? Do you mostly care that she's kind and gentle? Don't fall into painting a picture of the perfect mate, but you do need to consider what values you need a life partner to share, what you'd accept as compatible life goals and world views even if they don't 100% align with yours, and what you'd consider a red line. From there you'll be able to find someone who will really appreciate you. If what you're doing isn't working, you have to try something else. These people are causing you damage and you deserve better than that. The whole bar crawl scene only works for people who live on life's surface, not those who want meaning form their life and relationships. People who go out of their way to rip you down aren't going to accept you. Please don't think that every person (and most of all every woman) in the world is like that. As a scientist, you certainly understand the concept of sample bias.
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Thanks a lot for your kind words. Some of the few that I have read (or heard) this year.
It does seem true what you are saying. Since I was a boy, since I could remember anything, age 3 or 4, my peers have picked on me. I notice that they often leave other alone, but when they see me, it is like they found their scapegoat. Up to now, I notice that the people who tell me these things usually (not all the time) pick on me, but leave my other acquaintances alone. Of course there are some, quite a few even, who pick not only on me, but on all my acquaintances. Those people probably just think that everyone else is not at the same level as they are. But I do sense the wolf-like attitude in these people. I should not have to mention this because it is quite apparent from deduction, but a lot of these people believe in the "alpha male" and "alpha female" comparisons in humans.
Social Darwinism is very popular here. I am like those weak wolves in a pack, to use their analogy, whilst they consider themselves the alpha male (or alpha female). "Oh, you are a virgin?", "Oh, you make less than six figures?", "Oh, you have never had a girlfriend?", "Oh, you did not attend Stanford or MIT or UC Berkeley?" then I am not an "alpha male" like those guys. Using Social Darwinism reasoning, they think that I am a weak male like in the animal kingdom, and thus should live a live without mating or courtship, just like in the animal world.
I do notice that meetups, i.e. the general socialising meetups that are not even dating meetups, that I attend, are filled with neurotypicals. Just two days after my 30th birthday two months ago, I attended a Halloween-themed meetup that really was hellish. A woman pointed to the two books sticking out of my jacket pockets, and I explained to her that they were foreign language textbooks. She looked at me with a face like
. Then a DJ arrived and the dance floor opened. I just stood there like a rock on the dance floor. Then she kept pleading with me to dance freestyle, told me to try, over and over. Eventually, I just felt so weird that I left. Sometimes I just feel like I am a different species of human.
I do see those gender stereotypes in meetups. A man who does not have expensive clothes, numerous girlfriends plus countless sexual adventures and charisma, plus is overly loud and brash/arrogant is often deemed as unworthy. I read up on this on my city, and apparently this is true. I read and heard recently how any man making less than half a million a year is basically considered too poor to date women here. Well, I am really screwed on multiple fronts there.
As for qualities in a girlfriend, what I like the most is sincerity, honesty and intelligence. I absolutely cannot stand talking in riddles and when things are said where one has to intuitively guess the subtle meaning that is often hidden between words. I prefer direct, honest communication. I am still searching for some nerdy groups, which I admit, I definitely am a nerd. I do not like loud bars or nightclubs, but I do quite like quiet pubs where you can actually talk and hear each other because there is little noise. No shouting necessary.
I do understand sample bias, true. I have a degree in mathematics, but statistics is not exactly my forté. I would think that having three STEM degrees would be at least a little plus in my favour, but 100% of the women whom I have met do not seem to think that it is anything. Of course, this is just 100% of the ones whom I have met. Surely others out there would not think like this.
My mother has given me some advice over the past months, because she knows how I feel. I have been suffering a lot in the social scene here. She told me that I should probably consider not trying dating here, and retrying dating when I move to a different country. That does sound plausible as a strategy, but hopefully somewhere in the city I could at least try where there are more open-minded women. Where, that is the question.
Maybe my last date in August 2019 might give a bit of an insight into how I fare here. I had met this woman at a meetup. We are both Americans, but by coincidence, we had attended the same university in the UK, so we were talking about that. She suddenly switched the conversation into birth control and condoms. I was very caught off guard by this sudden veer into this topic. She started talking about her ex-boyfriend from Norway and her sexual encounters, etc. I was thinking, "Why is she telling me this?". Then, as expected, she turned the topic on me. She asked me about my ex-girlfriends and my sexual past. I reluctantly admitted that I had none. She just looked at me like
. I was thoroughly embarrassed, and I blushed bright-red just like a ripe tomato. I did not know what else to say. I started shaking from nervousness, then went to the toilet. I had to urinate for almost two minutes straight due to the nervousness, which made my bladder to fill to the brim. Then she asked me after I had returned, "What were you doing in there so long, hm?". I felt so low. So disconnected from what society calls "normal".
Thinking about this a lot, I noticed that I have not felt the "butterflies in the stomach" feeling since I was 16 or 17. I suppose that throughout my 20s, whilst living here I insofar never met a woman who made me feel those nice feelings of love, since I never met any who were similar to form an emotional connection with. At times I feel numb, rather cold since it feels like I forgot what love feels like.