I'm sorry you have all these terrible, even traumatic experiences. I've been in those kinds of toxic environments too. Going the standard route for friends and love just doesn't work for someone on the spectrum. Your mind is wired in a different way than an NT. You need someone who understands that. Sometimes the culture that surrounds you is just something you have to remove yourself from. Those kinds of Social Darwinistic attitudes are common, but not universal. Are you still in school? If so, then you might try going to honors societies or professional networking societies in your fields of study. If you have graduated, you might try alumni associations. It's important for anyone, but especially someone on the spectrum, to understand the difference between perseverance and perseveration. Plugging away at the wrong path isn't going to bring a good result.

Those values and needs in a future girlfriend are great ones, and will resonate strongly with someone else who feels the same way, and who has been hurt in previous relationships, or who like you has been lonely for too long. Your mom gave you great advice. And you'll feel the connection when you find someone you click with. You just need to take a different route. And don't beat yourself up for not succeeding when you were in the wrong place. A fish isn't stupid for not being able to climb a tree. Find your pond, even if you have to go someplace else.