Oh my...please do not beat yourself up. It is truly not your fault. You couldn't have known that was going to happen and you did well by meeting publicly. Yes I have been there where I've felt the universe was wielding a giant middle finger at me too. It sounds you've got a lot going on for you and this was a shock, which you very well may still be in shock. And yes I would freeze too! And while it may also be natural to beat oneself up in circumstances like this as well, please know that what you're saying to yourself isn't true. Those critical judgments about yourself going through your mind are just false. Sending you lots of caring thoughts.