I am feeling su!c!dal.

On the one hand, I keep trying to tell myself that suicide is dumb and selfish, but on the other I feel like no one likes me or wants anything to do with me anymore.

I am away from my friend because he moved across the country. I knew him for literally our whole lives. Without him, I feel like there a hole in my life. I made a new friend, and he is a great person, but I can't shake the feeling that I just annoy him and that he secretly thinks I'm awkward and stupid- despite him being like the nicest most genuine person ever.

My dog just had to be put down, and I guess that created another hole in my heart. She was strong spirit and a great friend. Dogs are the friends that are there no matter what, never judge, and are always down to cuddle.

I'm currently failing my math class because I was su!c!dal a few months back (a different time from now) so I stopped participating in school unless it was out of boredom. I have been trying to raise my grade, studying hard, but the semester is almost over and I'm worried I won't make enough learning targets to get past a D, if even that. I need to graduate so I can go to the community college and learn more about prgramming so I can have a decent career. If I don't graduate at all, who knows what my life will be like.

I got my first job a few months back, and I like working there because focusing on my work allows me to forget about all the other problems, physical and emotional. I like my job, and my coworkers are all great people. So I guess I have one little thing going for me.

I feel like my existence isn't worth anything. I have been a quiet person, and I don't do a lot of social things. I'm not in any school clubs or organizations, and I feel like I have no importance to world around me.

I'm constantly screwing things up and annoying my parents. Most of this is due to my forgetfulness and clumsiness that comes from my ADHD, but I still feel bad about it. I know in the back of my mind that they love me, but sometimes I just annoy them to the point that I don't feel like I am loved, but a burden.

Last time I saw my friend who moved away, he told me he was depressed. I had a dream the other night that he was driving down the street, but he was doing it erratically, and in the wrong direction, and he died. I cried about that dream, and I was disturbed by it.

I feel like I could burst one of these days and have a big panic attack or just start crying for hours or something. I feel like I could slip back into another episode of depression any moment. I don't know what to do. I feel lost, but I don't want to talk to my parents about this stuff because I can't explain to them that I'm failing a class, because I con't tell them I was suicidal, but if I don't explain that they'll just get mad at me and assume I'm lazy, or just don't care about my future, you know?

I am thinking maybe I should just end it. I have always had emotional problems due to a trauma that happened to me when I younger. I am no longer upset by the traumatic event itself, but I've had an episode of depression every year since like 2014.

Sorry if some of this is tmi or whatever, but I just needed someone to listen.