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sarahsweets · Dec 16, 2019, 12:53 PM

Hi @ruesia

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruesia

My long time beau and I have been on shaky ground. He has threatened to leave many times and gone as far as packing his things and driving away, only to turn around that day or the next and come home. A strong relationship is not built on the constant threat of the end.

You are right about this, and honestly anyone that goes far enough to pack and leave does not love you the way you want him to. Just because he cant go through with it doesnt mean he really loves you and wants to stay.

Quote:

I’m tired of it but I love him dearly. Many times I will plead with him to try and work it out. We see a therapist together, but the fighting doesn’t cease. It’s centered around his unhappiness with the relationship and my desire for something more. I want a future and he is very happily in the present.

Re-read what you wrote. Does this sound like the type of person you want to marry and have kids with? What would you tell a friend if she were in this situation?

Quote:

I’m to a point I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I want it to work but he keeps pulling away. I know he won’t make the decision to leave though. He tells me he won’t be the one to end it but in the same day, remind me how awful things are and how he dreams of Leaving and be free of our responsibilities.

Luckily we have no children. He literally could pack every belonging and fit it in his truck and leave. He has never been a material guy. I however train horses and that requires a lot of work and time. I worked with and owned horses when we met but the more time that passed, the more I think he realized he just doesn’t like that lifestyle. I have tried to devote time to him and have put that on hold, not taking new clients so I can do things he enjoys but it just doesn’t seem to make a difference.

yes good thing you do not have kids. I dont know much about raising horses myself but I have a friend who raises horses so tell me if I get it wrong...my friend adores her horses and is devoted to their care. She will do anything right by them. She boards them but assumes full care and goes every day twice a day to do her horsey thing with them in addition to riding them. She will go in any weather and even got stuck overnight at the farm in a snow storm. Her horses almost come first. She has a boyfriend but made it clear that they rely on her and she will never let them down. Luckily he seems to want to embrace it too so she is teaching him how to care for them. As far as I can see horses owners in relationships are a trio- them, partner and horses. And thats ok if it works for my friend. Does your bf want to learn about the horses or help care for them?

Quote:

I guess I just don’t know how to let go. And I feel this weight on me to be the one to break it off. But I still care for him and in rare moments, when we are together and happy and being affectionate, I see the man I need but it’s just a glimmer now. I think we both realize our lives have gone in different directions. I just can’t seem to say goodbye. And mean it. Every time he leaves, no matter how ugly the fight or how upset we are, I feel so lost without him. And beg for him to reconsider.

This is not meant offensively but you sound a little co-dependent. And that is not a slam, I was too once. reading about it and therapy helped me break the cycle. Have you considered therapy for yourself? Begging him to reconsider puts all the power in his hands. You will always be in a position of feeling "grateful" that he stayed or that you have to bend over backwards to meet his needs. Its very unhealthy. Yes, the weight is on your shoulders to make him leave. No matter what he says or if he comes back you need to be the one to end it. If you want a future and happiness you will need to lay a boundary and stick to it. And if that means changing the locks on the house and calling the police to make him leave if hes banging on your door so be it.
I feel so conflicted because I don’t want it to be over. I’m wishing for a miracle. I’m wanting him to be the man I need though that’s not fair to him. Because he just doesn’t like the life I have. And I can’t just sell everything and move to the city. I’d be miserable.

How do you say it’s over when you still have hope?[/QUOTE]