"Eventually the risk of staying where you are will become greater than your fear. And you'll do something, and what will that something be?"

Thank you for this one, Britt. And I will check out your blog for sure.

My path has been very similar to yours. I've felt trapped in depression for most of my life. I angrily resented any advice to forgive those who had harmed me, thinking that I did not have to forgive to let go of old pain and resentment. I was wrong. I angrily resented any suggestion that I was seeing myself as a helpless victim. I was wrong on that one too. I didn't even know how much I was wrapping myself up in self-pity and misery as protection against the fear of taking those steps to really change my mind and my actions. I clung to pain to avoid further pain and failure. I didn't want to feel that way anymore, but I couldn't see how much I was sabotaging my own efforts to improve and truly get well.

I also angrily resented any suggestion that my ego was at work to keep me stuck, since I truly loathed myself. But a depressed mind focuses only on its own pain and problems. Only when I truly understood that all people feel pain, that suffering is universal, did I step outside of myself. I knew it on a factual level but didn't truly understand it. When you truly understand, then pain becomes something that connects, rather than isolates.


None of this is to blame and shame anyone who is struggling with their depression or other struggles. It's no one's fault for being stuck. It can and does happen to everybody in one form or another. We're all human beings with pain and trauma and an uneven skill set.

There are some other things that kept me stuck:

1. I compartmentalized myself in different situations and with different people. I feared rejection and failure. It was exhausting and damaged me more than I ever could have imagined when I started. I thought I was protecting myself by doing this, but instead I very nearly destroyed myself. I finally realized that I have to be the whole me no matter where I am and who I'm with. If they're going to accept or reject me, it has to be based on the truth of who I am, not what little I've decided to show to them.

2. I was a world-class ruminator, and most of the time it felt like my mind was doing it on its own completely outside of my control. The truth is that I didn't have the strength to stop it because I was so worn out from feeling so bad. The pain of depression so drained my mental and emotional resources that I had nothing left to counter the impulse of rumination. I swirled myself into a whirlpool of anxiety, depression, and self-recrimination for any actual or perceived failure. The trashing of my self-esteem came 100% from me, even if I was thinking of what other people had said or done to me over the years. I had to realize that when people say or do cruel things, it's because of what they feel inside and has nothing to do with you. Some people feel like they can only boost their own egos by ripping other people apart. It's a signal of an inner wound, not an utterance of truth. That applies to what we tell ourselves, too.

3. I was horrible to myself. I beat the snot out of myself over every actual or perceived mistake, shortcoming, or failing. I would never have spoken to other people the way I spoke to myself. I would never have judged others the way I judged myself. The self-compassion exercises linked to from this forum have done wonders for me.

Self-Compassion


I realized that holding myself to such a higher standard was indeed a mark of ego, something I vehemently denied. I let go of that and accepted my humanity. I accepted that I was just as capable as everyone else of the things I denied in myself but saw in others, and everything changed so quickly. Every human, even those who hate ourselves, are capable of clinging to ego. It's how we try to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable, but it ultimately causes further harm to our minds, hearts, relationships, and lives.

4. I hid my feelings not only from others, but from myself. All I felt was pain and confusion, but did not explore the full range of how I felt. It was terrifying and I felt like I would completely lose control of myself, but only by letting myself go into that pool did I find myself in control of those emotions. Hiding from them only made them claim me and smack me around. Whenever feelings finally came up, I was so overwhelmed by them that I could not function. The mindfulness technique of feeling them, acknowledging them completely without judgement, and then moving on, really did work, but it took years of practice. I was convinced that it didn't work, but it does. As Britt wisely said, it just takes time for our brains to get used to working that way.


5. Most importantly, we can't expect our needs to be fulfilled if we refuse to expose them. I hid my needs form myself and others just like I did with my feelings, and for the same reason. I thought I was protecting myself, but instead it brought me multiple times to the longing to no longer exist. I felt so isolated in my pain, and so desperate for any contact yet still feeling so utterly alone even when I spent time with others. I kept my needs locked in a box, fearing that exposure would mean rejection/ridicule/disaster. Nobody can ever relate to you if you refuse to make yourself vulnerable. We of course have to remain on guard against those who would seek to exploit us, but we can't expect to survive psychologically if we cling to inch-thick armor at all times. We connect with humanity when we display humanity, and to be human is to be flawed and weak and foolish at times.

Nobody has all the answers, and I'll state again that I'm not passing any blame or shame on anybody. I just wanted to share what helped me in the hope that someone else can be helped too. If I had read my own post as little as a few months ago, I probably would have cursed at the computer screen and said, "This is BS, this person has no idea what I'm going through." It's true that everyone's struggle is unique, and that there are more factors at work in mental illness than how we think about ourselves and our problems. But it's also true that we aren't the puppets of either biology or our past experiences. Taking power over ourselves is frightening, but it's the only real way to heal.

I wish everyone peace and blessings on their journey to wellness!