It could be a romantic fantasy but it's definitely a subconscious psychological need. I think it's driven by that need to fix that broken part of our childhood with this person. This person is emblematic of the person(s) in our family system that traumatized us. If you took care of an alcoholic parent, if you were abused by a parent, sibling, or relative, or family friend in some way. I think we are attracted to traits in other people that we grew up accustomed to dealing with. That's where the 'familiarity' piece comes into place.

I do agree that low self-esteem is a motivator. We have low self-esteem so we seek validation from these broken partners, who are not capable of validating us the way we need to be validated (by ourselves, first and foremost). So, they see us as an easy target and use and manipulate us for either the rest of our life or a short period of time until we leave that relationship.

The only way I can break my cycle of being attracted to emotionally vacant men who are narcissists, is...I don't know. I have tried therapy for nearly 27 years on this matter and I am STILL drawn to these types of men like a magnet. I can see their narcissistic traits as red flags, yet I still allow myself to get involved. Just read my posts here.

I don't know how to break the pattern. I really don't.