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sarahsweets · Dec 16, 2019, 10:06 PM

Hey @Titm Welcome. I read your post and i have some thoughts. Please know that I am blunt sometimes and I do not mean to sound harsh.

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Originally Posted by Titm

This has resulted in me talking and texting to them over the years, all with the same outcome. Them being annoyed I'm butting in and them not wanting to have any contact with our mom.

I completely understand why your sisters would be annoyed at you bringing up your mom or delivering a message from her to them. Your mom can contact them if she wants to and its up to them to either accept contact, tell her to F off or not saying anything to her at all. I can appreciate your position and your desire for peace and closure but your mom does not want closure.

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And everytime I tell her "I can't fix this. I can't change their thoughts".
I'll ask her what it will take for her to stop putting me in the middle of this?
And always it's just the same.
Ask them if they wanna talk.
....... And it's always no. Not at this time
Ask them why they don't wanna talk.
.......And it's always the same. She won't listen to them.

I do not understand why you would even ask your mom what it will take to stop putting you in the middle. You are in the middle at this point because you allow yourself to be manipulated by your mother and interfere with the three of them. I get it, family peace would be great but once you told her you do not want to be involved, what did you do to reinforce that boundary? What did you tell her would happen if she continued to maneuver you into the center of the trouble? When you set a boundary or say what you will and will not put up with you also have to say what will happen if that boundary is violated. This way there is no confusion for the person instigating the trouble. If you told her that you didnt want to be in the middle, or hear about it or deal with it; and she still went on and on- if she didnt know there would be a consequence that you would uphold, then why would she stop? Her strategy is working perfectly. Poke and prod and guilt you into butting in.

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So after 3 years I think. Okay I'll write them in a way that needs a clear yes or no answer so my mom will stop asking me all the time.

3 YEARS? Holy hell that is too much time for you to have dealt with this. 3 years of annoyance should be a good demonstration of what your efforts yield and what the outcomes will be.

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One sister completely stops responding as long as she is the subject.
The other basically states that if she died, it wouldn't bother them.

Good for them. I dont blame them.

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Sure I was surprised with the blunt answer. But my thoughts went straight to "crap, I gotta tell my mom this".

No you didnt. I know you hadnt set proper boundaries with her at this point but there was no reason to tell her this. You should have told her you didnt get an answer and then set your boundaries. You already knew what her reaction would be.

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And I do. Tears turns to anger and back and forth.
And again she keeps asking me to write, call and so on.

It's never ending.

Look your mom knows what she is doing. You need to be very clear with her:
"Mom, I am tired of being in the middle and I will not be anymore. I will not contact my sisters for you or talk to them about you. I will not talk to you about them. If you want to contact them its on you. If you continue to bring them up during our conversations I will end the conversation (if on the phone or text) until another day, or leave/go somewhere else until you are able to refrain from making the subject them."
And then you have to do those things.
You might have to hang up on her or even walk away from her because she will test you. But if she wants a relationship with you you have to teach her how to treat you.

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And I've tried explain what I think my sisters mean when they say she doesn't listen.

The WORST thing someone can do is try to explain or interpret what someone else meant when they talked to you- to another person.

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Aside from above, she will cut you off.
If you say your tired cause you only slept 4 hours, she's only slept 2 hours.

If like now I'm struck with the flu, I should just "pull myself" together and go to that party anyway which I had planned.

So she is counting on me to show up to dinner tomorrow as planned too. Fever in hand.

But she doesn't get it. Sickness is no reason to stay home from work or drinking for her.

This ridiculous. Dont answer the phone and please stay home and do not spread the awful flu around because you feel guilty. So what if she slept two hours or isnt sick- or is sick and powering through it. That is her issue.

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Only last week she got a lump looked at which she's had for a month. Now it might turn out to be cancerous. So I had her crying in the phone earlier talking about how none of her kids care about her.
Me mainly because I dint tell my sister that it was f*** up how she replied about her dying.

When you say "might be cancerous" what do you mean? Do you mean she is having a biopsy or surgery and that a doctor told her it could be cancer? Or is this just something she inferred and is using to layer on some guilt?

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I've always told my mom I won't go along with her to ambush them at their home.
But now with the crying and the cancer scare I can feel I find it hard to say no when she asks again today.

DO NOT AMBUSH your sisters. DO NOT let cancer issues play into your decisions. Guess what? If she has cancer whether you went over to your sisters' house or contacted her wont matter- she will still have cancer. And if you do not have something verifiable about actual cancer in your mother do not tell either sister. She could be using the whole thing to get them and you to do what she wants.
I had a lump on my thyroid. Sure I could have told everyone that I had a lump that could be cancerous because any out of place lump could be cancerous. There is a difference between an actual doctor talking about possible cancer and having a lump. no offense.

I really think you have to stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up, open up your mouth and let it all out. Tell her about three years of pain and confusions. Get angry, cry, let it all out. Then tell her that is the last time the subject will ever be discussed.
Splash some cold water on, breathe deep and know that for once, you are on the right path to peace.