Around midday today I had an injection of anaesthetic into the ganglion cells in my neck. Before the injection I was feeling agitated and irritable, but not from anticipation. As I have not had Haloperidol for two days I assume that was the reason I felt crap.

Upon waking from the procedure I felt completely calm. It was amazing as all the horrible symptoms had disappeared. It worked! No more panic, agitation and anxiety. No more flight/fight/flee responses.

I then spent some time with my parents. My Dad was trying to be supportive but is so frustrating to talk with. He never wants to discuss anything slightly negative. After explaining how hard it will be to get any job after two years absence(and even worse explaining why) he still seems to believe I will be fine for the rest of my life. I know he sees my potential, which is awesome but he refuses to factor my illnesses when talking about plans for my future. He expects me to be able to function as if I were perfectly well.

I know my Dad believes in me, and I treasure that, it just hurts that no matter how many times I’ve brought up these illnesses wrecking my life he doesn’t want to hear it. I told him that he is still in denial about my capacity to work o study now and in the future. I guess the horrible truth is too much for him to bear.

I constantly wrack my brain trying to find a source of income that will suit my capacity. He just thinks I will be able to reach my full potential, and I will stop having mental illness. My Mum agrees with me but no one can get through to my Dad how much pressure this puts on me. The girl inside me wants to make her daddy proud. He loves me and is a wonderful man and father. It is just this issue that causes problems. He refuses to study Bipolar and PTSD as he says he doesn’t want to be upset. I’m basically banging my head onto a wall. At least my Mum tries to understand despite knowing that knowledge will upset her.

Back to the injection. The fact that I could have that conversation without losing it is a good sign. It won’t block the grief though. At least I see my T tomorrow. Unfortunately, I am now upset by the conversation with my Dad and don’t know if the injection just didn’t work, or instead works only on the PTSD flight or fight response.

Sigh ... I’m still confused and hurting, just calmer than usual.