Thanks everyone.

@MickeyCheeky, we have been seeing a couples therapist. The first session seemed to go well- we had ground rules set forward. I followed mine, he did not follow his. I am a very anxious attachment type (needing reassurance, needing comfort, wanting closeness) and he is very avoidant (needing space, needing time, independence). When we would disagree, he would pull away and I would follow. The more I'd pursue him, the more he ran. So we agreed that when we had a disagreement, if he called a 'time out', then we would immediately stop and take a break. However, the agreement was that we would have a set time to come back to discuss it when he felt that he had enough time, space, and independence to discuss it. He'd call a time out and I'd stop, but he wouldn't agree to discuss it. He would say "I'm done with this conversation". So, when we met with the counselor last week, my beau said that he felt I was constantly picking fights about things that don't matter and he felt it was a waste of time to come back to it. That stinks. So, the counselor gave us some worksheets on "I statements" and "fighting fair" to work on. So far, I have reframed my statements to be "I feel _____, and I need ______" instead of "You are ______ and it makes me feel _____".

@sarahsweets, thank you for your reply. I do devote a lot of time to my horses, but I have many times put them on the back burner for my beau. I used to ask him for help (namely when it came to moving hay bales because he is quite strong and I am not so much, hehe) and he told me after awhile he things its BS and that he doesn't want to help me. So I stopped asking for help. He has nothing to do with my horses, but if I am out of town, he will feed them (which takes approx 5 minutes a day). Luckily they are on the same property and are relatively self sufficient, but need their vitamins at night. I think I'm really perplexed because he used to be a very forward thinking, future facing. Over time, his depression has gotten worse and it seems his avoidant behaviors and deactivating moods increased. I think I'm holding on because I know that person is somewhere in there. Or, I believe he is. But you're right--- at what cost and for how long am I willing to experience? And, is that person still in there at all?

@LilyMop, thank you! I am going to be gone for a week during the holidays (away from beau) and I think I really need to assess if I feel *better* during this time, relieved, etc.

Part of me wants to say "While I am gone for the holidays, please pack your things and be gone before I come back". I've gone so far as calling a friend and asking them to come stay at the house to make sure that a) beau leaves and b) that my animals are then taken care of while I'm gone. She said sure, she'd gladly come and keep an eye on things.

But still I hesitate. I hope. I am holding on to this thread so fine I imagine any minute it could unravel, but hold on I do.

Ironically, I have been in breakups that were much less trying than this one. I have been in very secure relationships that I realized weren't going the right directions for both of us. I think the difference here is, my beau knows just want to say to get me hooked and make me feel just enough love that I don't want to let go. I don't think he does it consciously, but he does it just the same.