Today wasn't great. I had to ask for an extra 15 minute break to go cry in my car. I know a lot of this is just pent up stress but this job is really getting to me. I hate myself for not being able to be like everyone else and just sit down and do it. It's a call center. In no way am I saying that the job isn't stressful, but people do it everyday. People handle it, everyday. I barely got through.. today. Only half my shift was taking calls. So I actually was on the phones for 3 hours and 45 min of pure torture. You anticipate a panic attack, feeling it build, have a small one when you get a call, and then you're back to anticipating the next panic attack. It's really hard for me. (I worked a call center before and while not as severe, felt the same sentiments then too.)


I am ashamed it affects me the way it does. It literally is embarrassing to almost be in tears, not from a specific call or a bad experience, but just waiting for the phone to ring. It doesn't feel like it's getting easier -- in fact it feels like I'm slipping up more everyday. I am new to the job, and time will make a difference I guess. This isn't a career path for me, it's a temporary situation until I find a position in my field. That's not to say I'm not trying my hardest, though.

I guess when it comes to work, I'm gonna struggle. Everyday will be a struggle and it's one I cannot avoid. I'm putting feelers out for another that may be better for me, but until then.. I have to have a paycheck. I don't deal with stress well, in general but the only thing I know to do is either suffer through it or run. I cannot afford to run. I have to face it. It hardly seems worth it but then again, I don't have much of a choice.. it has to be worth it. I have bills.

I don't mean to whine about how pitiful my life is -- Oh look at me, I'm a privileged and employed white man. I have a job that isn't manual labor and requires no special skills. Woe is me!

I really should just be grateful for what I do have.


Off the subject of work.

I'm just dealing with a lot. It's stuff I can't run from anymore. I've ran away for as long as I could. It's in my face and it's not going anywhere. It's so overwhelming at times. I'm stubborn too -- I tell myself I'll be damned if the world is going to force me to do something I am not ready/want to do... well, Marcus.. that's kind of how the world works. In the end, we all got to take care of our problems one way or the other. I'm just not smart enough to let that sink in apparently.

I don't have any friends or anything to express this to as an outlet, so thanks for reading.