[directed at T]

I was on the verge of texting you that I miss you. I talked about it with a friend and she convinced me that it was inappropriate, that I would be putting you in a difficult position, so in the end I didn't text you and I removed your number again. It would likely be intrusive to text you and for you to be working and suddenly see such a message pop up. On the other hand, maybe you would like it. I don't know how you feel now, but we both had positive feelings for each other, which makes me think about our relationship in a different way. In some way I feel that I'm being naïve, but I keep coming back to the assumption that it would make you cheer up to be in contact again, even just one text. Perhaps you would be annoyed, that's possible too, but I don't think so. In my mind, it's still possible that something could happen between us at some point, as if I am just waiting for a better moment to arise. Rationally, I know it can't happen, and that it shouldn't, both for me and for you. It doesn't feel that way though.

Maybe I need to talk about it again and have you, or my current T, say very clearly to me that nothing ever will happen. I read the last four words, and I know they are true, but they don't settle in my mind. Fantasies are in the back of my head even as I read them. Perhaps if I did something that would elicit a firmer, clearer response - such as texting you that I miss you - it would actually be helpful for me, but I know that that's still not defensible to do, blabla. I wish I didn't feel like the door was half open somehow though.

The gentle, we-are-on-the-same-level kind of explanation that people give when they feel that you understand something already is not the kind of explanation that will help me change my assumptions on a more emotional level. If I did something irrational, such as texting him I miss him and suggesting we go for a coffee, would likely lead to a clearer and firmer response that I feel I need. Or that would at least be helpful.

It's part of being responsible etc, so even though this kind of response would have helped/would help, it's not as if I am powerless against my fantasies. I think it's the assumption that you would be happy about contact, too, that keeps me coming back to them. Whenever I imagine you being annoyed at an imagined text, it's a moodkiller. The anticipation that you would not shame me for doing this, and that nobody would shame me for it, gives me the feeling it's not something bad to do. Perhaps some shaming would make it easier for me. It is often the fear that my current T (who's in the same practice) would bring it up making me feel ashamed that keeps me from giving in.

If I need shame to stop me from doing this, am I really learning anything?