Quote:
Originally Posted by Serpentine Leaf
People who don't like to think with nuance don't respond well to someone they can't place into a neat little box. I'll repeat the advice to not worry about it; its them, not you. Especially in our modern climate, people think of the "other" in terms of stereotype or even caricature.
Hetero cis men all over the world speak of women as commodities; that's a strange reversal where you live, and no better.
Jobs with high pay and high prestige will always draw those who seek that alone, regardless of whether the idealized version if the job is one of helping people or not.
A lack of community, belonging, and mutual respect will inevitably lead to just about every issue you have mentioned that plagues your city. Have you ever considered volunteer work, faith groups, or political groups? Taking action in my area has helped me to feel more connected and helped me to meet other people with similar values.
Trust me, lots of women out there like "shy guys" and see it as sweet, not shameful. You have to be who you are. Women spot a phony pretty quickly and that's always a turn-off, unless all she's looking for is a quick easy shag. But most women will feel uncomfortable being that outnumbered by men. I'm not sure if any straight man can understand what that's like. I too would bolt if I was the only woman in a room full of desperate men. I experienced sexual harassment in my first job, an ex-boyfriend's behavior after a breakup verged on stalking, and I've had SO many very creepy middle-aged men hit on me. A woman's safety is in danger from men everywhere she goes; that's just a daily reality of life anywhere in the world. Shy guys are much less threatening than more assertive ones. That isn't a downside to every woman, even if the ones you have met were put off.
You might fare much better when you head to Europe. American culture, especially the twisted microcosm of it that surrounds you in San Francisco, is not the whole world.
The woman just didn't understand ASD; your needs are textbook traits of the neurological difference. Bad experiences form such misunderstandings will cause social anxiety. I really think an ASD support group would help you if there's one near your home for adults. Check for online support groups too. There's a forum here on PC as well, I'm not sure how active it is. But you don't have to tie yourself to just one. It isn't uncommon for people to accept certain types of difference but not others. Unfortunately that happens even in activist groups working for cultural change.
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The treating people like commodities is very common here. In dating, the numerical scale of 1-10 by marking someone by their physical looks is very popular. It is also used as labels. Instead of referring to people by name, they use the number. For example, a man might tell his male friend, "Hey did you talk to the 5 over there?" and the friend might respond, "No, I only talked with the two 6's". A woman might tell her girlfriend, "Did you see that 3 over there?" and her friend could reply, "That guy was a 0.5, just look at him!" Both genders seem to consider each other as sub-humans on a regular basis. However, that saying, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd" is specifically women referring to there being excessive amounts of men in the city, and that all of the men are defective.
I am considering formally joining a certain working-class presidential candidate's campaign, probably as an entry-level local campaign worker. His name starts with "B", which probably makes it a bit obvious who he is. I have been a supporter for years, and I was thinking that perhaps there would be more like-minded people, less judgemental and less classist, especially given that most of his supporters earn less than six figures, like me. And unlike the majority of people in this city. Most people here make not only more than six figures, but many make millions. $120000 is the poverty line in San Francisco--making less than $120000 per year is officially considered as "poor". I attended his rallies before, and the supporters there were kind and friendly. And clearly, no one there asked me about my sex life.
I do find, and have always found since I was a young boy, that I felt more at home in Europe than here in USA. The culture in Europe is, to summarise, just more similar to me as a person. Introverted people are not considered scum in Europe. I studied in the UK and had a nice time. Although whether you can call UK as part of Europe as of right now is to be debated, but that is another story. In any case, people were much friendlier than in California, notwithstanding the very untrue stereotype that British people are reserved and stand-offish. A Mediterranean country like Italy have even more welcoming and friendlier people.
That does comfort me to know that the "shy guy" is valued by some women. In my mind, I always had this belief that shy, awkward guys like I were considered as rejects. That was mostly due to how I was treated, as well as fellow shy guy friends and acquaintances. I had one acquaintance from a foreign language meetup. He was 33 and still a virgin despite not wanting to be one, so similar to me but older. He had told me various times about how he had went on dates and got rejected outright immediately when women had found out about his virginity. I have even seen him get sly comments at meetups. For example, he would be in a group and introduce himself to a group of women. Then someone next to him would tell the women, "Oh, he is a bit shy, because you know, he is still a...virgin, so, ya know..." and I could see him get embarrassed due to his face turning red. I thought, well if not only I get treated like this due to being a virgin, but also other shy virgin males, then I guess that shy, virgin males really are universally considered as rejects by women. Again, forgetting to take into account sample bias. It may very well be true that in this city the shy, virgin male is considered a reject compared to other places in the world, but the world is so large that there are so many other places where this is not the case.
I see what you mean about thinking outside of my city. Recently I was in a group that was, as you guessed, talking about dating. A guy said how the dating scene is so brutal for guys. A woman retorted, "The dating scene is brutal because the men are just sub-par. Up your game guys, if you cannot handle the heat, get out of the kitchen! Dating is for the cream of the crop, we do not want average guys. Being an 8 or 9 is a minimum!" I think that that really opened my eyes about how dating is considered here. Dating is almost entirely based on Social Darwinism--like in the wild, the shy, awkward animals get no mates whilst the so-called "alpha males" get all of the mates. So I probably just should not even be trying in such an environment. Not to mention, I find Social Darwinism to be an appalling philosophy.
I just noticed how Social Darwinism infests society here. San Francisco have the highest homeless population not only of any city in USA, but also of any city in the entire Western World (Europe, North America, Australia, New Zealand). That is astonishing. The mentality is if one is rich, ***** the poor. If one is attractive, ***** the ugly. If one is extroverted, ***** the introverted. Society is so much about the "me, me, me" mindset, combined with a nasty twist of the early 1980s saying, "Greed is good".
I had a feeling that she did not understand me. Just recently also I realised that I kept going out with extroverted neurotypical women who most likely have absolutely no idea what ASD is like. Probably neither social anxiety, since they seemed at ease in almost all social situations, when I felt shaky and nervous. It would be very hard for such different personalities to match.