It would matter if you died. It would matter to us.

Look, you are not defective. There isn't something'wrong' with you. You have an illness that makes it really hard to plan and carry out long-term, challenging goals. This is not on you or your character. Cut yourself some slack! You have an an illness. It makes it hard for you sometimes. I totally relate to that. I deal with SI stuff all the freaking time. But I know it is not the solution.

I think that day you woke up and felt fine? I think that day was a message from above or whatever you happen to believe in. I almost did it many years ago and at the very moment it was to happen, I for some reason, glanced to my right, and there, floating in space, was a holographic image of my precious son, smiling at me. I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to the ER. I personally believe that to have been a miracle, to just suddenly 'hallucinate' my son.

These things happen for a reason. Hang in there. Do you need a med change? You might. When do you see your pdoc again?