Coming off Haldol has certainly made things worse. Initially I refused Seroquel or Zyprexa as a replacement but since last night I have been taking Seroquel in 50 mg doses. It does help but sometimes gives me palpitations, restless legs, and of course weight gain.

Practically, my parents are very helpful by bringing in things I need. Still, it’s really about how scared I am about telling them to stay away as they will realise it’s them I’m trying to escape from st times. Sounds easy to tell them to go away but:

MAJOR TRIGGER

the man who abused me as child held me at knifepoint and sweared he’d kill me if I told my parents. So without consciously thinking of it I always protect my parents from knowing their contribution to my suffering. This is being dealt with in therapy (very carefully) and I am having more open conversations with them and have been pulling away more. Suddenly shutting them out would cause me harm as well so I must do it slowly.

Secondly, I was always abused on Christmas Day growing up so it just being Christmas sends me into a spin. This year is particularly bad. For me Christmas is all about my four nieces and nephews. I want to see them and play with them. The remainder of the day I will go for a swim then hide in hospital.

Thanks for your reply. No one is pressuring me to do anything so I can hide in hospital all week if I want. My Mum is my best friend so I will miss her. This situation is so ****ed up! I’m lucky I had the injection as my fight or flight is not engaging and despite my deep distress I feel close to calm. I’m just heartbroken and can’t stop crying.

Am I making any sense?

Perhaps me falling apart right now will force my family to see how I really am and how much damage has been done. All I know is that I’m done pretending. Right now being real is scary, and hurts like hell, but I have hope I am venting feelings, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. This could lead to the deeper healing I long for.