Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander
Coming off Haldol has certainly made things worse. Initially I refused Seroquel or Zyprexa as a replacement but since last night I have been taking Seroquel in 50 mg doses. It does help but sometimes gives me palpitations, restless legs, and of course weight gain.
Practically, my parents are very helpful by bringing in things I need. Still, it’s really about how scared I am about telling them to stay away as they will realise it’s them I’m trying to escape from st times. Sounds easy to tell them to go away but:
MAJOR TRIGGER
the man who abused me as child held me at knifepoint and sweared he’d kill me if I told my parents. So without consciously thinking of it I always protect my parents from knowing their contribution to my suffering. This is being dealt with in therapy (very carefully) and I am having more open conversations with them and have been pulling away more. Suddenly shutting them out would cause me harm as well so I must do it slowly.
Secondly, I was always abused on Christmas Day growing up so it just being Christmas sends me into a spin. This year is particularly bad. For me Christmas is all about my four nieces and nephews. I want to see them and play with them. The remainder of the day I will go for a swim then hide in hospital.
Thanks for your reply. No one is pressuring me to do anything so I can hide in hospital all week if I want. My Mum is my best friend so I will miss her. This situation is so ****ed up! I’m lucky I had the injection as my fight or flight is not engaging and despite my deep distress I feel close to calm. I’m just heartbroken and can’t stop crying.
Am I making any sense?
Perhaps me falling apart right now will force my family to see how I really am and how much damage has been done. All I know is that I’m done pretending. Right now being real is scary, and hurts like hell, but I have hope I am venting feelings, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. This could lead to the deeper healing I long for.
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Hey Wander. Yes, you are making complete sense. You experienced a truly horrible series of violations and you should have been protected from these actions. You were only a child. Your parents failed you whether they k ow it or not.
I understand wanting to protect your parents from the pain they would feel by knowing the truth. However, it seems you spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to hide a truth that is eating away from the inside out. Is it fair for you to continue to suffer in this way to protect them? Is this what they would want if they could choose? I am a parent and I would take on any amount of my child's pain if sharing their truth helped them to heal.
It seems your parents are kind and loving people. It seems they truly want to help in your effort to experience balance and wellness. In your father's case specifically it seems he struggles to understand why you are affected to the level that you are. He is flying blind and I imagine he would be more effective if someone removed his blindfold.
Is it possible that your parents would be able to offer the right kind of support if you allowed your treatment team to work with you and give them the basics of the situation? They might be more inclined to offer the space you need. They might even offer their heartfelt apology for not providing the protection you deserved as a child. They might offer validation and understanding. You'll never know if you cannot trust them enough to love you through your truth.
I realize the pain of the truth would be a rough experience for your parents. However, as a family member who watched a loved one suffer like this once, not understanding and not knowing how to truly help is an incredibly painful experience. You feel completely helpless and it is its own kind of Hell. Your parents are there now watching you suffer this way. Knowing why it is occuring may go a long way to generate understanding and healing on both sides. I know it would be a painful process, but you've tried everything else. This emotional wound isn't getting better with meds and traditional treatment.
Only you know what's best, but I offer this as an outsider who cares. I have memories of abuse in my past. They surfaced recently and contributed to the break that almost destroyed my life. I was honest with my father about it, but I haven't told my mother. She has experienced mental breakdowns like my own and I am afraid telling her might shatter her mind again. I'm sorting through the best way to navigate this in therapy. I say all this to explain that I realize how incredibly hard this all is and you have my support no matter how you proceed. Huge hugs to you. You're safe now and you will find your way.
