Today’s last session of the year was a doozy. R arrived and apologised again for not being able to make yesterday.
‘How are you doing? Big open question, just what you want.’
‘Swallow tea, and then laugh…I have been feeling wobbly since Sunday, which was the 15th, which means there is a month to go until the first January trigger date.’
I explained that a change in arrangements with the care company had been communicated to me at the last minute via text.
‘This meant that somebody would be shadowing the shift with a support worker whom I get on rather well with. There are three people in the team who know…well, not everything..’
‘They have an understanding?’
‘Yes.’

‘When you said that they’d told you rather than asked you, I immediately felt that. What was your emotional response?’

‘Frustration. She turned up unaccompanied on Wednesday morning, which turned out to be a very good thing.’ I started to talk about the Christmas party at work, and then redirected myself back to my original story.
‘We had an honest conversation about the festive period – we’re both on the same page about that. Then she finished her shift, we were chatting by the door. I could barely speak, so nodded my way through the conversation, and then found myself crying.’

R asked whether there was any warning, to which I replied that I could feel myself slipping.
‘The first thing I said to her that morning was “Please don’t let me get stuck in my head today.” There are only a few people on my team I can say that to. I asked her for the phrase ‘You are safe’ once, and she inserted it into our conversation twice more.’
‘She met that need without you having to express it. It sounds like there’s an understanding there, and then a goodbye?’

‘Yes.’ I then mentioned the meeting before the work Christmas party, and the fact that I respond to every mention of the move like a new loss.
‘Is it fear?’
‘Fear of being unsafe.’
I told R that I was surprised by my response to information I already knew.
‘This has come up before at the last board meeting. Work helps you feel safe.’
‘But I know it can’t be everything.’
‘Yes, that is very realistic.’
‘One of the traditions at our work Christmas party is ghost stories. It’s good, I like them. But there was one on Monday night where a death in a bathroom played a significant part.’
‘Oh, no!’
‘Judging by your reaction to that, I think you know how I felt.’
‘How did you deal with that?’
‘I had to stay.’
‘You say that, but you have talked about situations in the past…pottery class, where you were not able to stay.’
‘It was an entirely internal experience.’

I told R about the songwriting workshop at work on Saturday. ‘I was not leading. The songwriter who was leading encouraged us to bring instruments, so I did. He asked about my writing, and I thought I would play one.’
‘In front of the whole group?’

‘This was before the workshop started. If I had been leading, I probably would have taken time to play one of mine.’

‘It’s good to hear you visualising what it would be like if you led.’

‘The song I chose was safe. I played a couple of verses, and then Amanda came in and said ‘Lost! I didn’t know that was you.’ That was amazing.’

‘I have never heard you describe something you have done as amazing. What was it that was amazing? Was it the sense of being recognised?’

‘I got lost in it for a couple of minutes.’

‘Was it because it was work?’

‘Yes. After Amanda came in, I stopped. I didn’t finish the song.’
I went on to explain the February Album Writing Month challenge – 14 songs in 28 days.

‘After January 2011, I don’t think I participated much. ‘Electrocute’ is the one I remember. There are challenges where you are given a title and an hour to write and record a song.’

‘All these challenges!’

‘Then there’s the challenge in July – 50 songs in 90 days. I think I have only done that once. The title and an hour challenges are called ‘skirmishes.’ After January 2011, I thought…I said to the Universe, ‘I don’t care if I ever write a song again!’
‘Some anger there?’
‘And then there was a skirmish with ‘Night Light’ as the title. I was learning a new guitar technique at the time, and mastered it well enough to play some chords. My friend had a birthday party and invited me to bring a guitar. I played that and a cover, and by the second chorus, people were singing along.’
‘I don’t know what you do to me, but I am picturing you with your guitar, and you are open. Then, maybe as a result of what you have been through, you closed.’ R asked me whether my songwriting was as much a part of my life as my writing.
‘Yes.’
‘If you write songs half as well as you write, I can imagine they’re quite emotional.’

‘There’s a George Harrison interview, released around the same time as his last album. ‘With the addition of music, and the value of sound, it touches places other things don’t touch.’
‘When I was training, we were warned that writing is a fast track to emotions, so be kind to yourself. They weren’t lying.’
‘I haven’t been able to touch my journal all week.’
‘It sounds like you’ve had a pretty busy week, even without the triggers. How do you feel now you’ve come to the end of it?’

‘Drained.’
‘And I can’t control my emotions any more, so I stopped. I just want to show up to my own life.’
‘That’s a goal, right there.’

‘Maybe it is time we moved in that direction. I did some thinking yesterday, because I had time…’

‘You had loads of time to think, sorry about that.’

‘We have had that goal of expressing emotions for a while, I want to get more specific.’ I handed R the paper I had written on.

• Express the anger rather than ‘sparing’ people
• Continue to work towards expressing needs comfortably in session
• Understand limits and develop strategies to reduce overwhelm and outbursts.

I said to R that I was still trying to work out what +SAFETY meant…’and I wrote it!’ She said she thought it had been added as an afterthought, although it is the foundation. Fear coming out – ‘Got to be safe!’
We talked about expressing needs in session, R feels that I have got better at this over time, specifically since last November.
‘Even though that [crying in session] was so uncomfortable for you, I feel like you peeled off a layer. After that, you took control of the sessions.’
‘I feel..’
‘Go on, Lost. Filter down.’
‘I feel guilty over the weekly bloody emails. As we are heading in a deeper direction, I am finding the aftermath difficult.’
R said that the ‘deeper direction’ made sense.
‘Your guilt is your guilt, but I don’t mind. And you don’t email every week. If you think back to the very beginning…I don’t think that was in the contract. I think that was something I offered, and not something you asked for.’
‘You offered, and you can handle it.’ She reaffirmed her boundaries around email. She will respond if she has the chance.

‘The Critic gets vocal: ‘Save it for session!’
‘Is that related to safety? Some of the content is quite vulnerable.’
‘Yes, I think so. I have been meaning to ask for a while, this is a stupid question.’
‘Question, go.’
‘You are the only person who has access to your emails?’
R confirmed that this is the case. She accesses them on her phone and laptop, both of which are secured. We then moved into a conversation about our work over the year. R said that she experiences me as somebody whose ability to give to others and ability to give to myself are unequal. She wondered whether I could bring that more into balance. I added self-compassion to my list of goals, and asked R whether cultivating self-compassion might help me tolerate the anger.
‘Perhaps. Do you feel that you are deserving of compassion, kindness and love?’
‘Huge question there.’
‘I can leave it with you. I want to apologise.’
‘Yes, I feel I am deserving of all those things, but when somebody looks at me a little too kindly, I might break.’
I said to R that it had taken me a long time to realise that she is not P.
‘That’s understandable. That experience was deeply hurtful to you. It must have been…’Is this what therapists do?’
R then mentioned that she had shared the poem I wrote with her supervisor, and that her supervisor cried.

‘She said that you’ve summed up the relationship in words. And for me…I don’t ask for feedback, but if I was going to, that would be some of the best I have ever received.’
‘By next time I see you, I should know whether they are going to publish it.’

‘Whatever happens, know that I will cherish it. Is there anything you wanted to say about our relationship?’

‘Just…I really appreciate you working with me. Emphasis there. Thank you for working with me.’
‘I was glad I could make it today. It didn’t feel right…I need to see Lost before the break’
We exchanged Christmas cards, and R reiterated that if I need to email over the break, I can. ‘I’m offering.’
Her final words were wonderful. ‘May you be as present as possible over the Christmas period. Have a lovely Christmas.’
Next session is on the 9th of January.