Thank you SOOOOO much Vanaheimr for reading and answering me, it was very useful to have a feedback.

I dont really feel trapped in my body, its a less strong thing for me… i just dont like some aspects of my body (boobs especially, and being expected to dress up like a woman and act like that) and i just put up with them the best i can… since im not looking for relationships or a label, its all very “causal” and not a “life-threatening” situation. Id just wish i could clarify especially to myself “what” i am… since i have already established im asexual and aromantic i think i tend to think the best definition for me would be “genderless”. I identify myself as a woman, but i hate some things of it but at the same time i wouldnt like being in a man's body either so….

What best defines me, i think is i am:
- Sex-less (asexual), free from sexual desire. (I can be aroused but mostly not by men or women bodies, just by “situations or some kind of touches”.
- Romantic-less (aromantic), free from needing romanticism in my life. I hate kisses, cuddling and hugs…. The only thing i like is soft touch in non erotic places.
- Gender-less (agender), (i tried acting like both but dont recognize in either of them internally. Not with sexual attraction, not with way of dressing up). I dont mind my appearance as long as its a bit more feminine than masculine. I do want to be recognized as a woman.
- Free from the need to belong to a typical gender appearance/looking (most of the times - and as long as i still am recognizable as woman in my aspect)
- Free from needing to have a feminine or masculine body (dont need to change anything, but at most to hide my boobs, i can even put up with my periods)

i think the best definition i found is DEMIGIRL (from demigender)

I do have thought about surgery, but only about reducing my breasts, not to become a man at all. never. I just wish my chest was flat like in men, and i wish i didnt have to have my period. Sometimes i have considered cutting my hair in a masculine way but i hate my ears, so i wouldnt do that for this reason and because, even though i like men’s haircuts, i still want to be recognizable as a woman. And in fact i wear long hair only for this purpose (but not earrings, makeup, jewellery)
I dont think a surgery exists to make my body become as i wish it were. I sometimes see myself as a genderless dummy or an alien with no masculine or feminine traits. Actually when i think of myself… i think about me as a brain using a casual body. I feel like im a body-less entity except for when its sick or stimulated so much that its impossible to ignore it.

Been in love? Im not sure… had squishes (not crushes) for tv characters and people IRL both male and female usually my age or older. But real love…. I dont think it happened because i cant love bodies. Anything that has to do with bodies annoys me so how can i love one, be it man or woman???
When i was younger, since sometimes ive been attracted by girls ive thought i might have been bisexual but since now sex here is ruled out (dont want to have sex with either) maybe i just have had mental attraction for them (not even aestethical!)

As for my childish desires of being a boy, i tend to blame, in big part, the birth of my little brother. He was an ill baby and of course he was getting more attentions than i was. I guess i confused the fact that he was getting more attention because of his sickness with the fact that he was a boy and i was a girl. My granma always preferred him because he was a boy and i think thats what stirred up my wishes to be a boy too. But really… watching cartoons, how could i not identify with the main character that usually was a male??? And female characters didnt seem to be so feminine anyway.
Actually there has been a very specific moment in my teens where i have felt like i was a boy and acted a bit like a boy. It felt kind of natural to me but as soon as i realized it, i felt ashamed and wrong and was hoping nobody had noticed it... i didnt think much of it afterwards… it was just something that i was not to repeat again and forget.

as for CSA i meant Childhood Sexual Abuse. Im sure it has left me still battling with the aftermaths. Maybe this is something that wont ever change, no matter how much therapy i get….
In fact, im seeing a T and this gender subject has just come up, i never thought much about it…. But now, thats why i’ve been looking for more inputs and feedback from others here online…. I feel this is just something i have to figure out as i did for my sexuality (or lack of).