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I totally understand about the shoplifting.
Many years ago I stopped taking any medication and one of the first signs of major dysfunction was that I started to shoplift. I felt like I couldn't control myself; I felt invincible. I developed a technique that worked well. I felt that developing that technique proved how especially clever I was. I wasn't a run-of-the-mill shoplifter; I was soaring higher than anyone else. I deserved to be rewarded for being so clever; I deserved rewards for doing my part to win out over capitalism...after all, I was helping humanity in general by flipping off capitalism.
Well, I was finally caught. I was visiting NYC and I stole several items from Sephora. The security guard caught me. He told me to dump my purse out. I did - in front of a number of shoppers. It was mortifying to be caught like that. I tried to explain that I "had a sickness" and, well, he didn't give a care about my "sickness".
I was so, so lucky because the store didn't call the cops on me.
After that, I forced myself to stop stealing. Looking back, though, I stole a lot of stuff before I stopped.
It has weighed on my conscience for all these years (20 years). I can't believe how lucky I was not to be caught and have the police called in. I have talked with my therapist about it, which helped...a little bit. I'm still so ashamed, though.
For me, when I stepped meds my impulse control just wasn't there. It came to a point at which I did not want to steal anymore, but I couldn't stop...it was a compulsion...until I forced myself to stop.
With that said, I feel that I am in a position to tell you to STOP STEALING. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself. Nowadays there are cameras hidden (or in plain sight) all over the place, in every store. You will be caught and it probably won't be long until you are.
Also my paranoia kicked in and I was sure I would be punished for stealing by having terrible, heartbreaking things happen to me...having to do with demons and so on. What a hell.
Stealing samples, if that's all you're stealing, is as much stealing as anything else in the eyes of the store personnel.
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