I suppose I need to get this out. Somehow, some way. Here may be best, or I may be again reaching out in vain. Before, talking about this, I've just been getting tips for stuff like "self-improvement" and coping mechanisms; which I appreciate but I already know most of that stuff. Things just seem wrong on a more fundamental level, but hell, I could be wrong. Others could be right, maybe I don't actually want help.

I've been thinking about what people must be seeing for them to repeat that last part. The only conclusion I can make is that, in a sense maybe, they're right. See, I want help and I desperately want someone/something to interfere with the increasing difficulties of my every day life. There's one thing, and one thing only, that I want saved from. I couldn't quit repeating it after I was able to finally admit it. The train of thought can't seem to deter. How can I be saved from that?

I haven't been so honest with people in regards to the seriousness of my "ill-intented voices" and the extent they're words are finally impacting me. I truly believe that I am straight **** for my gf. We're supposed to talk later, she's been having a hard time too, and you know.. I just can't help but think it's a type of "we need designated 'talking time'", because I stress her too much. Because she has been THE ONLY PERSON I CAN TALK TO ABOUT THIS **** SINCE EVERYONE ELSE HAS SAID THAT THEY CANNOT DEAL WITH MY ISSUES. (After encouraging me to finally open up, and that was nice.) Now I'm afraid she can't be there either. I could just be anxious, I don't know.

I'm at the end of my rope with all of the isolation and limitation of outlets. I see my T once a week, so for six days I have to keep my trap shut because the "bad stuff" is taking up my mind too much. Better to not talk than cross that line, right? No, because then I'm an asshole. What do people want me to do?! So isolation and being an asshole is where I stay because it's the easiest option, all the while working out nice since I feel like a pathetic waste whenever I take someone's time or waste their breath on speaking to me. (Rant over, sorry)

*disclaimer* Don't say meds, I can't begin the long line of questioning to simply say my treatment team is as incompetent as I am. Yes I have a therapist, no I'm not seeing improvement. (Just to avoid common questions in advance.)