Ketamine has been my savior. It is the only thing able to cut through the depression. Even the lady at the Chinese take out said in looked good. Well then crap at work had to come up again. The write I got said my work sucks and that I am performing 2 grades below my level. Also that I caused them to lose crucial data but I have no clue what they are talking about. They also said I can’t email information anymore that I have to talk to them in person. I email the information first so they can get familiar to what we are doing then I talk to them. That way I don’t have to give background and take the chance of getting it wrong. They also said I need to show more initiative but when I give my opinions about things they say I am meddling. There are many other examples but I am too tired to get into them. But this has killed any decent help from the ketamine and brought back the bad thoughts. Oh and apparently I have an attitude but anyone who has dealt with their torture for the last 2 years might have one too. I hate this. I want to stay at this company but I need to leave the group. Have applied for a couple of jobs but no luck. Second option is go somewhere else but change puts my anxiety into over drive. I don’t know what to do. I am so paralyzed.