I got a rare gift in a comment my husband made when I'd said something silly/"wrong" and we were laughing about it; I was going on about how I knew he wasn't laughing at me, he was laughing with me but he immediately corrected that and said he wasn't laughing at or with me, he was enjoying me. That made all the difference to me in the world and from then on I could see that other people enjoy my "over-the-top, flamboyant, outrageous side, and the deep thinking, compassionate, quiet side... and all the good and ugly in between" so why shouldn't I?

You see your T making this effort, caring, etc. so why not just accept it instead of fighting against it. You're worth it or he wouldn't waste his time or, he's crazy :-) It can't be both ways. If you can make that shift where you see what other people keep seeing/telling you, etc. then it gets much easier.

I think the intense feeling that your T is going to "leave"/quit with you, reject and push you away is your trying to push your own self away? If you're worth it, if it's that easy, the heel of your hand banging against your forehead with the Oh! Duh! realization will be the nicest you'll feel. I felt like I'd wasted a lot of time but the nice feelings that come too are well worth it. Having a self you enjoy talking with and being with and making jokes with and can rely on, is almost as good as having an Other.